Four Years Ago Tomorrow

I have this medicore ability of easily remembering certain dates, so it's not surprising that thinking of December 17th would fill me with so many mixed emotions. After all, it is the date that I thought the entire world had given up on me. Four years ago tomorrow my mom picked me up from school and we drove to the drugstore in Gibraltar where my mom picked up my dad's prescription and I got an orange Crush; then we drove two hours in the snow to Somerset. I'm pretty sure I was in a bad mood the whole way there.

It's hard to believe we've lived in Somerset for four years! It probably doesn't sound like that long to most, but so many things have changed in those four years. I am incredibly different than the stubborn and bitter almost sixteen year old who came here in 2004...ok, well maybe I'm still stubborn, but I'm not so bitter anymore. I honestly believed that someone with enough power hated me enough to move me out here. I'm not sure that I was ever actually angry at any one person. I know I never blamed my parents. I don't remember ever blaming God, though I do recall begging Him to let me know why. It felt like He took forever to answer my request, but eventually He did.

I've been a believer since elementary school, and for the most part, I acted like one. But it wasn't until I came out here that I felt like it was finally my choice to act like a Christian. Nobody was forcing me to go to church or to serve God. It was my choice, and for the first time I finally found out what people always meant by love being a choice. There are so many depths of love, and I'm not going to go into them here...at least not today. But as I chose to love God in a new and different way, He blessed me with so much more than I deserved.

I've met so many extraordinary people since we moved to this small town. Some have become the people I look up to, others have been simple reminders of God's love, and a few of them have become my best friends. I understand now that they're some of the reasons that God moved me out here. But the thing is, He's not done showing me.

One of my biggest struggles in life is trying to understand why and accepting that God will show me in His time, not mine. I have so many questions, and there are so many things I just simply don't understand. But looking back and thinking about December 17th has helped to realize that someday I might look back and think, oh, that's what He was doing. I am so thankful that God provides hope when I feel so lost in the dark sometimes.

sixteen degrees fahrenheit

Frigid--today is exactly the sort of day I picture when I think of that word.

I was locked out of the office twice today as a result of the weather.

Simply Good

I love the simple things. I love singing in the car...going for walks...watching the rain...laughing with my sister...getting coffee with my best friend...watching movies with my mom...looking at the stars...reading a book in the middle of the day...listening to little kids...swinging with a friend...smiling simply because I can...


Most days I get caught up in the complexities of life. I get discouraged, stressed, and lost. But almost everytime, something simple will strike me and make me realize that I shouldn't let those complexities get to me. A year from now I'll look back on it, and it won't even matter...if I can remember it at all.


It's not getting things done on time or doing things perfect that make life...it's those little things that make us stop and appreciate how wonderful things can be.

I love God's simple reminders.

Nicknames

I just think nicknames are random and funny.

In elementary school, my youth pastor called me Jeffiner, and a couple of the girls called me Jeff for years. They even came up with ridiculous spellings of it like "gPHPHPHfffyyyyyyyyiinNr" or something like that.

My uncle used to call me "Mean Girl" (before the movie). I never did find out the real story behind this one.

Nathan Allen (from housekeeping a few years ago) got the nickname Soysauce...he just answered to it one day, and it stuck.

That same summer, Nathaniel got the nickname Toilet Cleaning Man, which eventually got shortened to T.C. Man, from a couple of kids during family camp.

Not a big stretch, but I gave Kelsey the nickname of Kelsh last summer because I would yell it everytime I came into the trailer for no apparent reason.

The summer before that she gave me the nickname of Chinila. It was the same summer that "Hey There Delilah" was really popular.

The list goes on:
Sunshine--my dad
Bub--Robby
Hoostie--Justin Cloyd
"Mom"--Kelsey's name for my mom
Critter--Kristi
Uncle Monkey--my dad again
Nicoe--Stacie
Annie/Marie--Jess
Shelly--my aunt...her real name's Deborah Michelle
Captain--Morgan...I think you get it.
Bubbles--Stacie


Holiday Tradition #2: Thanksgiving Dinner
For as long as I can remember, we've celebrated Thanksgiving at our house. The guests varied from year to year, but we never went anywhere else. Shelly, Jess, Kristi, and Robby have almost always been in attendance. The dishes have varied as well, but we always always have dumplings. Actually, I take that back. I think there was one year we didn't, and a civil war almost broke out in the home.

My favorite Thanksgiving dinner memory: One of the years that my grandparents came, my mom made lemon pepper turkey. My grandpa is a very traditional sort of man. With his first bite, he gave a kind of scrunched up nose look, and my mom asked if he liked the turkey. "Tastes kind of sour," was his matter-of-fact reply. Then he proceeded to eat it without another word. Poor Mom...but I liked it...

Escape

I've been stuck in routine this past month or so. Work and school Monday-Wednesday...work Thursday and Friday...attempting to be productive Saturday (and then wondering where the day went)...Church and CLC Sunday...and the cycle starts again. I broke away a bit from that routine this weekend, and it was great...unproductive, but much needed, and great.


Jess came out Saturday afternoon, and we did what we do best--hung out, goofed off, watched movies, and girl-talked. Yesterday morning we went to church in the snow, and Jess made some poor guy that she thought she knew feel really uncomfortable. It was great. After church, we went to Applebee's (kind of a tradition) for lunch and chocolate shooters (another tradition). Then we went back to my house (dancing and singing obnoxiously in the car the whole way there), looked at pictures, listened to music, watched Persuasion (Captain Wentworth was cute, but it lacked the Austen wit), ate gummy bears, and watched Waitress (off-beat, but it had a cute ending).


It was a very nice escape from the mundane. But today the routine starts back up, and I have geology in three hours.



Holiday Tradition #1: Christmas Candy--Every year since I can remember my mom and my Aunt Shelly have been making hard Christmas candy a month or so before Christmas. Jess, Kristi, Robby, and I would all help break it up after they poured the liquid onto the powdered sugar and it cooled. (This is what we're doing in the blog header...minus Robby, plus Kelsey and Nathaniel.)Then we would put it into little holiday boxes and hand it out to all of our school teachers, Sunday school teachers, piano teachers, friends' parents, and so on. As we got older we participated in the tradition mostly for nostalgic purposes, adding the watching of White Christmas to the smells of cinnamon and root beer filling the house (smells that stay for the entire holiday season).



There are two Christmas candy incidents that stick out in my head. The first is probably my favorite (and I will probably be thrown out of the house for sharing it). The cinnamon candy is incredibly strong, and it's burnt my aunt's face in the past, so Shelly and my mom adopted a way of handling its potency--they stick wash rags over their noses and keep them there with clothes pins. It's a great spectacle and funny enough to make you wet your pants--well, at least for my mom. Apparently she had to use the bathroom before they started pouring the cinnamon, and Jess made my mom laugh so hard that she didn't quite make it there. The consequence--I have this great vivid memory of my mom standing in front of the bathroom door with a wash rag and clothes pin over her nose, and a wet spot in an awkward area on her jeans.


The second incident again involves Jess. Two years ago, she took a huge chuck of candy that hadn't quite hardened completely and stuck it in her mouth. The consequence--it molded to the roof of her mouth and she had to wait until it dissolved before she could talk again.

Great memories. I'd say making Christmas candy is probably my favorite holiday tradition.

"But now and again, I lose sight of the good life..."

I trust God completely, but sometimes situations and circumstances still feel sucky. Oh well. It's just part of the whole life thing I suppose...

...but I'm still trusting.

"There's too many things that I haven't done yet
There's too many sunsets I haven't seen
You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down
You would have thought by now
I'd have learned something

I made up my mind when I was a young girl
I've been given this one world
I won't worry it away
But now and again, I lose sight of the good life
I get stuck in a low light
But then love comes in"

--from Many the Miles by Sara Bareilles

"Play it once, Sam, for old time's sake."

I'm listening to As Time Goes by from Casablanca. I know Casablanca isn't a Christmas movie, but for some reason this song reminds me of Christmas...like it should be in It's a Wonderful Life or something.

It doesn't quite feel like the holidays yet. Perhaps it's because it was in the seventies just last week. I'm starting to get there though. Thanksgiving's in a few weeks, and I'm going to Madison to see my sister this year. It's going to be my first Thanksgiving away from my parents...not to mention my first time traveling by myself. I'm excited for two reasons. First, I haven't seen my sister since March, and I am in desperate need of some sister time. I'm ready to laugh over dumb things until my stomach and cheeks hurt for a few days :) Second, Thanksgiving marks a whole month and then some of Christmastime. I love Christmastime! There's so many great things about it. Just to name a few:

*Obviously it marks the birth of the Savior
*Family
*Old movies and musicals
*Christmas trees
*Snow
*Sledding
*Christmas candy, cookies, and chocolates
*Pumpkin pie
*Christmas shopping
*Christmas music
*Hot chocolate
*Sitting by a fireplace
*Twinkling lights and decorations everywhere
*Break from school/work
*Snowangels, snowmen, and snow forts
*Sweaters, scarves, and mittens
*The end of one year and the beginning of a next
*Celebrations
*Watching the ball drop
*Memories
*Gingerbread houses
*Wrapping presents
*People filled with holiday spirit

*Sigh* I can't wait :)

Saying Hello

Dear Winter,

It was nice to see you today. Thanks for the light snow. I heard Christmas music welcoming you at the store yesterday. I know we won't be on such great terms by late February, so let's enjoy each other while it lasts.

Love,
The girl who still loves catching snowflakes



Note: To those who hate snow and winter in general...please don't judge me.

Meet My Mom

If only I had words to describe my mother; unfortunately, there aren't any. However, I can give a glimpse of the woman who has put up with me for the last nineteen years.

Glimpse One:
I've known my mom for, oh, nineteen years, and in these nineteen years, she never even hinted to me that she could knit. That's probably because for the last forty years, she didn't realize she could. But guess what, she bought some knitting needles and some yarn yesterday and has been knitting me a scarf non-stop since. Apparently she learned when she was really little and just assumed she couldn't anymore. How amazing memories and minds are.

Glimpse Two:
Since I can remember my mom has always picked the good things out of the cartons of ice cream. In fact, I didn't even realize that cookies 'n' cream had chunks of oreos in it until I was probably thirteen. Today I learned her secret. She took out the carmel ice cream that has gobs of chocolate and carmel in it, and proceeded to do as she always has and dug through the carton taking out all of the gobs and then eating them. But here's where she gets really smart. She then proceeded to pack the ice cream back down into the carton, so it wasn't even apparent that she had been digging through it! The only dead give away...the carton of carmel ice cream is now mysteriously full of plain vanilla ice cream...

And that's my mom...or at least a couple of my favorite sides of her...

Bad Timing

I have a 20-37 page Life Plan Portfolio due in my interpersonal communication class on Wednesday. Planning the rest of my life for a class kind of puts a damper on my whole letting go mentality. I know it's a good thing to be prepared, but I don't want to figure out where I want to be in 10 years. Oh well, if it helps me pass the class I guess I can do a project on at least how I want my life to go.

Take it from me...

During junior high and high school I would get stomachaches every morning on the way to school. I think I would get so stressed out over whether or not each day was going to be the one that made me fall. The anxiety made me physically hurt. I was an all A student, and it's so much easier to fall when you're at the top than it is when you're on the bottom. Fortunately, I made it through junior high and high school without falling, and I've been anxiety stomachache free for the last three years.

Unfortuately, they're back. Only now, I get them before anything and everything. School, work, meeting new people, making a phone call, going home. I am so stressed out. I'm not sure if it's still about falling, but maybe it is.

I have so much work to do for school--at least one major project in each class. I really liked my schedule at the beginning of the semester, but I hate it now. I'm only taking thirteen credits, but cramming them into three days is wearing me out.

I don't even know what's wrong with work. I think I'm just so tired from school already that extra work is just added stress. It doesn't even have to be hard or a lot of it; it's still added.

Getting stressed about going home sounds ridiculous, but not if you saw my room...or my car...or my bathroom. I have gotten so behind in staying on top of things at home that I honestly don't even know where to start. So not only do I have a ton of homework to do, I also have things piling up at home.

Now, I know that it just sounds like I'm complaining, and that's probably because I am. But I couldn't get to tonight without prefacing with all of that. I was driving home tonight after three hours of working on a project for my writing class, and Jesus Take the Wheel came on the radio. I know that it's an overplayed song, but tonight it literally brought me to tears. The line, "She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention," is what made me start listening because it's exactly where I am. I have so much going through my mind, and somewhere along the way, I've put myself back in control of my life, and stomachaches is where it's gotten me. I can't do that; I am an awful dictator of my own life. Every time I try to lead it alone, it turns into a mess. But God knows that, and that's why He is the only one that can be in control of it and have it still make sense.

I don't know why I try to be in control. I hate being in control. It's so much easier to just give everything to God and have Him direct me. So, Lord, I'm letting go. Help me to let you lead.

Kids...Ha.

I'm definitely not having kids.

Well maybe one...

...but only if it's perfect...

...and cute.

But I'm definitely not having multiple children. My mom and dad were thinking with that whole 8 years apart thing. There simply should not be more than one child under 5 in any one household.

It's 9:20...AM...and I'm ready for bed.

I feel like this...I bet she gets me.

Self Discovery

The other day I went back and read about a year's worth of old blog posts on Myspace and here. It's amazing how guarded I've become when sharing life with more than twenty or so people. It's also amazing how much history repeats itself...at least my history. About a year ago, I wrote this:


11 Revelations
Current mood: chill
Category: Life

So I've realized some things about me that I just wanted to get out:


1. I know I just started this with "so", but so what?
2. When I'm upset at one boy, I usually make some kind of universal statement on how all boys are stupid.
3. I usually let people see everything about me, but when I put up walls, they're impenetrable.
4. I'm not sure that "impenetrable" is a word.
5. My life is really boring, but for once, I don't care.
6. I think I'm losing my hair; I swear it's coming out in clumps.
7. I'm a hypochondriac.
8. I actually know what I want, and I'm afraid that I don't actually want it because I've never known what I want before this, so how do I know that this is, in fact, what I want?
9. I don't trust people as easily as I used to, and I'm not so sure how I feel about that.
10. The best things may not happen while you're dancing, but they do happen when you don't ask for them.
11. When I look back on it, some of the best things that have happened to me are the things that I've spent days crying over.


And today:


1. I still start a lot of my posts with "so."
2. Boys are still stupid...I blame society.
3. I'm even better at hiding things than I used to be...which is sad because I'm not that great at it.
4. "Impenetrable" is a word.
5. Life is: Work, School, Facebook...at least for now.
6. I'm pretty laid back.
7. At the same time, I'm easily irritated.
8. In everyday conversation, I usually say all the wrong words before I finally find the right ones.
9. I don't trust most people at all anymore.
10. People see me a lot differently than I see myself.
11. Friends that will be there for you even when you're boring are really hard to find...I'm glad I still have some.
12. I haven't changed that much in a year. I wonder if that process just eventually stops...I hope not.

Babysitting Update

After babysitting last Tuesday, I was dead set against having crazy little people (a.k.a. kids) of my own...ever. But I have to admit that this morning softened me a little, and I've decided to maybe think about it. The angels didn't get up until after 7 this morning! And all at different times, which created ample breathing time. Other than a squirmy baby who didn't want to wear shorts, a jar of little rubber bands being dumped into the sink, and a slightly rebellious four year old, things went very smoothly. The shorts finally ended up on the baby; every tiny rubber band was put back into the jar (except for the ones that are probably in the drain now...oops); and I found out that 4 year olds can easily be persuaded with Tootsie Rolls :)

On a completely different note, I love Michigan fall weather. It was warm enough for a t-shirt at 6:30 this morning. I thought I was in the middle of a hurricane around 9AM. And it's completely picturesque at the present moment. *sigh*

On: Learning to trust

I'm pretty sure that the hardest thing in any relationship is to trust. I think this is true with our relationships with God too. Here's where I was three months ago:

I had a plan. I knew exactly what I wanted and where I was going. I had the job (ok, that's debateable), the boyfriend, the friends, the family, and in my mind, the world. Trusting God was easy. He was orchestrating my life exactly to plan.

Fast forward to today:

My plan? Nonexistent. I have a job (the same one), but I'm not so certain anymore that it's the job. The boyfriend plan is kind of on hold until, well, someone else comes along. I still have great friends, but most live too far to hang out or whine to. My family's still very much here for me, although to be honest, their faith in me is a little overbearing these days. And an added bonus--I don't really have a reason to go to school other than I need to. How am I supposed to trust a God who's completely turned from my plan without my consent. He didn't ask if this was okay with me.

It's hard, but I'm learning to trust Him again even though I don't really see this plan going anywhere. To be honest, this plan feels a whole lot more like chaos than a structured plan. I didn't consent to this plan, but I know it's the one for me. I'm going to get to wherever God wants me to, and that is so much better than anywhere I can get myself. It was a lot easier to trust when things were going my way, but I'm learning that they still are; I just can't see it yet.

On: Screaming and Teething

Last week I started a babysitting job. I now watch three kids (a 4 year old, 2 year old, and baby) every Tuesday from 6:30am to 8:45am. Did you catch the "am" there? I'm not a morning person, but I love kids, and the love for the latter beat out the hatred for the former. But did you know that kids don't act sleepy when they wake up...even at 6:30 in the morning? On the contrary, they're fully ready to take on the day as soon as their little eyes open. And to celebrate, they shoot off pop guns and run around screaming. In fact, when I got there, the 2 year old was already doing somersaults in her ecstasy. Here's how the morning went:

Me: Please don't scream; you're brother's still sleeping.
2 year old: WHAT'S THIS?
Me: A steering wheel.
2 year old: I HAVE TO GET DRESSED NOW. CAN I PICK OUT MY OWN SHIRT?
Me: Okay, but we have to be quiet because your brother's still sleeping.
2 year old: I WANT TO WEAR THE BUTTERFLY SHIRT, BUT I CAN'T WEACH IT.
4 year old: SURPRISE!!
Me: Good morning.
2 year old: LET'S PLAY WITH MY TRAIN TRACK (as she points to a race track and holds up a little plastic car).
Me: Let's get dressed first, remember?

15 minutes later everyone's dressed (for the most part), diapers are changed, and the pop gun celebration begins...as does the crying.

Me: Okay, guys no guns until after breakfast.
4 year old: What if I shoot it like this?
Me: As long as it doesn't make any noise.
4 year old: HAHA. I GET TO SHOOT MINE LIKE THIS!
2 year old: Can I shoot mine like this?
Me: Nope. As long as it doesn't make any noise until after breakfast.
4 year old: I WANT FROSTED FLAKES!
Me: Ok, sounds good. What do you want?
2 year old: ME TOO! Can I maked it myself?
Me: Sure. Let's go into the kitchen.

Frosted Flakes for them and a giant bowl of yogurt for the baby.

4 year old: Can I have a poptart?
Me: If you finish your cereal and you're still hungry.
4 year old: I'M DONE WIF MY CEREAL!
2 year old: I want one too.
Me: Okay, let me finish feeding him and I'll make you some poptarts.
4 year old: Do you know where the cooker thing is that we put them in to cook them is?
Me: Yup.
4 year old: How do you know?
Me: Mom showed me.

Scene: I'm feeding the baby a massive amount of yogurt. Little children are climbing on counters in order to "help me." Someone's throwing her poptarts on the floor so we'll watch her.

Me: Okay, set your poptarts on the counter until I'm done feeding him. Please stay off of the counter. Why don't you go play in the living room until I'm done.
2 year old: I want orange juice.
4 year old: Me too!
2 year old: I don't want that orange juice.
Me: This is what you have.
2 year old: silent surrender

Alright, baby's fed, poptarts are passed out. It's after 8am and they're finally allowed to watch tv. Craziness subsides. I give the baby his bottle who doesn't really want it. Oh, he's teething and, therefore, drooling, and his favorite things to do are roll all over me and cry when I get up. The kids are being angels in front of the tv though.
8:45...I get to go to work...where there's coffee...*sigh*

I'm sure I'll get used to it as the weeks progress...right?

On: best friends and getting out of slumps...

Work, school, and, well, breaking up has put me into a slump as of late. The same old thing every week and wishing things could have happened differently are getting old and tiring. I've had this overwhelming desire to do something new...like write a book...or move to Asia. At the same time, I don't want to do anything. But things that I have to do and commitments that I've made help get me out and move forward. I went shopping with my mom yesterday and that was a nice little distraction. Tonight was CLC and little kids are probably the best distractions there are--especially ones that tell you they're going to use sticks to kill animals so we can eat them, but assures everyone that he's not going to kill humans (phew...what a relief). Best friends are the best; even ones that live in South Carolina, Marquette, and Spring Arbor--ugh long distances.

Morgan: Morgan tried to convince me that everything was her fault...sorry, but it's not. (If things do get better though Morg, let me know so I can plan accordingly.) Not to mention I actually got to talk to her for more than two minutes on Saturday, so that was like the best :)

Kelsey: Kelsey got me through the awful ordeal with the dumb political poll guy who actually believed I could hear him over my barking dogs. She turned a very stressful situation into a laughing matter. Oh, and her stories are always the greatest.

Bekah: Where do I begin with Bekah? Bekah has this way of being uplifting and cynical at the same time, and I love it. Even though she reminds me I have no life outside of school and work, she somehow makes me feel better about that in the way she says it. Plus, she'd even go to second service just for me :)

Thanks for helping me out of my many slumps that I get myself into ladies :) You're the best!

On Living

I just wish I could say that I'm doing great with this whole living my life thing. I wonder if anyone's ever really able to say that. I mean there are people who do a really good job, but is there anyone who's great at it?

Bipolar

So, I'm still tired; still a little stressed; still indecisive; still a little cranky; still schizophrenic. But here's the one that doesn't belong (for all you Sesame Street fans); I'm also optimistic. I know, I know--I'm still a mess.

Problems...

I hate that I complain all the time. I hate even more that I realize I complain all the time, yet I haven't stopped. So why stop now? Here's what I'm feeling like right now:

• Cranky
• Tired
• Overwhelmed
• Stressed
• Old
• Boring
• Schizophrenic
• Hungry
• Lonely
• Indecisive
• A mess

It's just been a crazy week, and I have a slightly crazy four to five days to look forward to. I know that I'll be perfectly fine after that. I just have to keep trekking.

Observation

Upside down and minus a mustache, Bucky Covington would make a very pretty girl.

Venting

So if you walk into an office, and the only person in there is on the phone, don't start asking them questions and expect them to answer. And don't just walk in asking questions before you have a chance to see if that person is busy doing something else. It's just rude. Ok, I'm done...back to work :)

Rain...Rain...Sleep...Rain...Distractions

I'm sure that by now the entire world is aware that it's been raining for two days straight now. Okay, perhaps I may have slightly exaggerated there...about the entire world thing; unfortunately, I'm completely serious about the rain thing.

I blame the rain for my sleepiness today. I didn't even realize I was sleepy until I got home today. I was in Spring Arbor until about 4PM. I always take Moscow home, and I always almost fall asleep. That road, coupled with the rain was enough to make me sleep for three hours this evening! The downside? It's 11:55PM, and I am completely awake. So, I won't go to bed for a while, and I'll be exhausted tomorrow. Oh well...that's life.

I'm also very easily distracted right now. I should be working on an English paper, but the subject is stowage plans, and it's just not holding my attention for some reason.

On a completely random note, Propel Fitness Water has 15 different ingredients in it. How is that still considered water?

Little Bits

It's been a while since I've had much to say. Let me rephrase that; it's been a while since I knew how to say what I've wanted to say. I think this past month has been about shifting for me. I've gone through a lot of little changes--nothing very significant, but when you add them all up, it amounts to at least a little something. Let's go back to mid August. I moved back home from camp. I know, I know...I only lived four miles away and worked with my parents. But it's different working with your parents and living with them. There just seem to be a few more disagreements now than during the summer. Let's move on to August 21st--I lost my best friend to the North (Northern Michigan University that is). I think that's been the hardest part.

Kelsey and I haven't been friends long (about 2 1/2 years), but you wouldn't know that if you saw us hanging out. I guess it's meant to happen sooner or later. Things change; people move; you make adjustments. I just didn't think that I'd be the one left here. I thought I'd be changing and moving with everyone else. It was different when my family first moved out here. I was a stubborn sixteen year old who was mad at the world and even more mad at her parents, but that's changed as well. I'm not mad anymore, and even though my parents and I still disagree on a lot of things, I love them more than I can express. I've finally found a least a piece of God's plan in moving us out here, and it's a big piece--a subject for a later post.

So back to Kelsey leaving. She was really the only person close by that I could just hang out with whenever either of us needed to. It's not like she's vanished off the face of the planet. We still talk some and frequently leave each other inappropriate comments, but she's not just down the street anymore. I just miss it.

I know all of this sounds melancholy and like I hate life. I don't. I'm still very much in love with it. I am very very blessed, and I know it. I just needed a release, and rather than doing some kind of strange interpretive dance like Audrey Hepburn would in Funny Face, I just chose to share it with the world (or the 1-3 people that read my blog).

11 Rules for Life...Inspired by Mr. Panther Baseball

1. Live in the moments, never for them.
2. Never settle when it comes to relationships...it only ends up hurting the other person.
3. True friends don't force you.
4. Never take advice from someone you don't look up to.
5. Even if it's small, make a difference.
6. Never fit in when you want to stand out.
7. Friends come and go, but family has to love you...so love them back.
8. Give second chances. Also give, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth chances.
9. "Never throw out anyone."
10. "Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them."
11. "You have not done enough, you have never done enough, as long as it is still possible that you have something of value to contribute."

"To Prove to Dad I'm Not a Fool"

Classes started Monday. I suppose that's all I really need to say, but, of course, that's not where I'm going to leave it. I'm taking 13 credits this semester and trying to work as much as I can in between. Before yesterday, I had decided that I had a pretty full schedule seen below:

• Monday/Wednesday: Work 9-12PM, Class 1-3:30PM and 6-9PM
• Tuesday: Work 9-5PM, Class 6-9PM
• Thursday-Friday: Work 9-5PM
• Saturday: Possibly Work
• Sunday: The normal Sunday kind of things.

Pretty rough right? Yeah, I know, I'm laughing too. In my Art and Cultures class last night, we sat in a circle in the back of the room and introduced ourselves. At first, I felt like I was five years old and getting ready for "story time" or "show and tell." Then I started listening to the little glimpses into their lives that these people were sharing.

One girl is going to school part time, working full time, and has two young boys and a husband at home.

There's a guy who hasn't been to school since 1975 and has worked construction since then in Wayne County. He came to Jackson for better job opportunities.

There's another girl who has 3 boys at home and is separated from her husband who's currently in the war. She's only a few years older than me.

There's a guy from Senegal who already has his Master's Degree in something I can't remember who is basically here just to improve his English (which already sounds great) because he is most fluent in French.

Case in point--I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I still have it pretty easy. Sure others have it even easier, but would I even want that? I like being challenged. I like feeling accomplished. I like knowing I can do things for myself.

So, all that's to say that even though school's not my favorite thing in this world, like a very close friend told me to do, I'm going to live every day the best that I can. It's what I was created to do.

Meet Clocky

I am not a morning person. Never have been...probably never will be. That said, it takes a lot to get me out of bed in the morning. I hit my snooze at least four times before getting up...and that's on a good morning. It probably doesn't help that I set my alarm as Jack Johnson's "Better Together" or "Banana Pancakes." But had I an extra $50 to spend on one of these, I think I could put my getting out of bed problem to rest. Meet Clocky, the alarm clock that rolls away from you and tries to hide in order for you to get out of bed. Not only is he incredibly convenient/annoying, but he also comes in four fantastic colors--aqua, almond white, mustard, and chrome! What more could a girl ask for?

The End.

Yesterday was the final day of our summer youth camps. It almost makes me sad. But I'm tired, and quite frankly, ready to be done. It's been a long summer. When I took this job back in May, I knew I would be busy, but I think I underestimated how busy. I still really like my job, but I think it's forcing me to realize that eventually I have to grow up. I'm not quite sure what that means yet...but I'm learning.

On another note...I'm reading a great book right now called The Shack. It's taking me a while to get through it, but I'm almost done, and I love it! I have to admit, I wasn't sure what to make of some of the images Young creates, but it makes some great points that I don't normally think about and makes you look at things from a whole new perspective. I'll let you know what I think of it in its entirety when I'm done.

Still Here...But Almost in a Good Way

I'm still making too many mistakes, but the day just started to look a little brighter :)

Come and give me your hand; I'll take you far away...

So it's one of those days where I keep "finding myself making every possible mistake." And it's only 10:45 am. Oh well...hope things start to look up soon :)

La la la la la la, La la la la la la, La la la, La la la, La la la.

A Day at a Time

It has been SO long since I've posted anything on here. Part of it has been that I've been really busy, part of it is that after spending eight hours a day on a computer at work, I don't really want to sit on a computer (figuratively, of course) until I wake up in the morning and spend another eight hours on one. But, alas, here I sit.

Like I've previously stated, I have been really busy lately...mostly working. But I took Monday off to spend with Nathaniel before he left for a week. We went to the zoo :) It was pretty much a perfect day off; not in the sense that we did anything super amazing or anything. We went to the zoo, then went shopping in Battle Creek, went back to his house, went four wheeling, and watched a movie. But it was one of those "I've needed this for a long time" kind of days. I have been stressing lately about dumb things that, really, I shouldn't worry about. And because of this, I haven't enjoyed my summer very much so far. However, Nathaniel brought me back. While I was sitting there complaining and fretting about my future, he told me to just take things a day at time. Not rocket science, I know. But I haven't been doing that, and I realized that that was the reason I had so much fun last summer. I didn't know exactly what I was going to do the next week, month, semester, etc. And that was okay...actually, it was perfect. I'm completely content (please note the alliteration) with not knowing. I rather prefer it, to be honest. It's okay because God's not up there going, "Well, I hope this plan works out for Jennifer. I'm really not too sure about it. Guess I'll see how things go." If I truly trust Him, then I have nothing to worry about. Of course I know that I shouldn't just sit there and say, "Okay, God, I'm just going to sleep until I know exactly what You want me to do," because I won't find out unless I'm searching, but I'm okay with not knowing the answers right away. Half the fun is finding them out unexpectedly.

Well that was my long ramble of things that don't make sense to anyone but me. But did you know 8,000 Coke drinks are consumed every second?

Clarification

So I just thought I'd clarify something from my "Without the Dark" post.

I do, in fact, have friends. I have lots of them actually. I just don't spend time with them on a daily basis. So please don't pity me. I know that post seemed like it was a cry out for pity, but it wasn't. I was just feeling down that day. But I'm up again. And I'll probably have another day when I'm down and lonely, and I'll probably post something else about my loneliness. Don't worry, I'm not depressed--just whiny.

On another depressing note, gas prices are up to $3.99 a gallon! I very nearly cried yesterday when I saw that. Pretty soon I'll be telling "Back in my day..." stories of cheap gas prices at $2.99! Oh well, I'm not going to worry about it because, basically, it's pointless.

To Do This Summer: a work in progress.

• Go to the zoo.
• Learn how to play the guitar.
• Go to Cedar Point.
• Learn Sign Language.
• (More to come...)

Without the Dark...

I truly love my job, and I love living in a small town. I do; but lately I've been feeling trapped. Like the whole big world outside of Somerset isn't actually real, just a make believe place you read about in books or see in movies. I think I'm just lonely. When I was going to school and working, I didn't really have time to be lonely, but now I come home everyday with nothing planned for after work. There are basically two people I hang out with during the fall, winter, and spring. One of them is Kelsey. I know she's always there for me, but she has school stuff and track meets and shawn. And I don't blame her for having a life, I just miss her sometimes. The other person is Nathaniel, but he has just as much (if not more) going on...and he lives in Spring Arbor...and I'm a poor college kid.

I know my lack of a social life is my own fault, and everything will be fantastic once everyone comes to camp. I just feel like it's time for a vacation from the small town life and loneliness. But perhaps I should stop complaining and just be thankful for my great job and the amazing friends that I do have. Things'll start to look up. Somehow they always do...


Slightly related...slightly unrelated...

I am a huge fan of the Facebook Flair application...and I found one that's kind of cheesy...but I kind of like it.
It's a little blurry, but it says, "Without the dark, we would never see the stars." Take it for what it's worth.

Thank You Note:

Dear Summer,

It's me again. Thanks for the glimpse today. Do you think you could stick around for a while?

Sincerely,

Jennifer Lynn

You Can't Have It All

I wish I could just be content. But I'm not. I hate how if something's going really fantastically in my life, I feel like something else has to suffer. It's always been that way. Like I've felt before that when my social life was really great, my spiritual life wasn't even really there. Well it's kind of like that now. Some things are really, really great, but others not so much. The thing is, I don't think it'll really matter if I give up the good things. I still won't get what I want. I don't know. I'm confused, and I sound like it. I just want it all for once. Here's the best way I can describe it. You know when you're trying to catch something light in the wind (like a feather or something), and as soon as you've almost grasped it, the wind carries it in another direction? That's how it is. What I want is right there, but every time I try to grasp it, it flees from me, but barely out of reach. Almost like it's encouraging me to keep trying, but it knows that it will never really matter because it will always drift away exactly when I'm about to obtain it.

So, Summer...Let's Talk.

Dear Summer,

I was just wondering....do you think you could hurry up? I'd appreciate it =)
Thanks.

Sincerely,

Jennifer Lynn
(Your biggest fan)

"Let's go get coffee with our computers and look like smart girls."

Yesterday Kelsey and I had an amazing day. We went to church, Bigby's, both "malls," my house for movies, food, more internet, and sleep. It was great, but I kind of got a little bit caught up in its magnificence. I don't get too much caffine usually. Even when I drink soda, it's usually caffine free...and quite possibly for a good reason. Yesterday I had a coffee drink at Bigby, chocolate ice cream at my house, and four glasses of Pepsi. I was up literally all night! I'm pretty sure Kelsey fell asleep as I rambled on about something or other. Then, while she was asleep, I talked on the phone until after 3 am. I didn't start to feel tired until around 3:30. And I didn't fall asleep until 4:00am. I know that that's the typical college thing to do. But I'm not the typical college student. I like sleep...a lot. So when that time that comes around every morning came around this morning, I could not get myself out of bed. Until I had to. And I made it to class with thirty seconds to spare! So the moral of my story is...sometimes not feeling sleepy isn't always a good thing...weak moral, I know...but trust me, it's valuable in some fashion.

Three Months?!?

I'm at that age where it seems like everyone around me is getting married. The crazy thing is I'm only 19. I don't know, maybe I'm just being cynical, but I think it's dumb. How can you possibly be ready to spend the rest of your lives together when you've only known each other less than a year?!? I recently heard about someone who has been dating someone for three months and is already ready for a ring. Seriously?
Then again, it does work for some people. My parents were married after only nine months, and they're the perfect picture of a successful marriage.
But with the divorce rate the way it is today, it just seems to me that people need to learn to wait. I mean I'm a girl, so obviously I think about getting married all the time. But when I really think about, it just seems so crazy. I get frustrated now over the dumbest things. I couldn't imagine throwing another mind into the crazy mix.
So there's my thoughts. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but I just think that people need time to learn as much as they can about each other before they vow to stay with them forever.
Please don't think I'm one of those crazy people who are against marriage. I'm not at all. Personally, I think it's beautiful. People just need to be ready, and I think that right now, we still have a lot of growing up to do.

Perspective

I don't know what the reason was, but I was in an awful mood all day today. I think it started when I woke up late. There's a logical explanation for this though--I have my alarm as the chorus from "Bubbly," and the song decided to play a major role in my dream this morning; therefore, my mind couldn't figure out the difference between dream and reality. It chose dream. Anyway, I was in a rush from the beginning. Econ was fine...but English...
We had a debate...on gun control on college campuses. I was on the side against gun control. Normally in a debate, each side has a turn to speak. We tried a new approach for this one. It was called everyone-speak-at-one-time-and-drive-Jennifer-crazy. It worked. Oh and good news--since the debate was such a failure...we get to have another one next week!!

I have half an hour in between English and history. Today I filled that time with Pepsi and M&M's...also known as my drugs and alcohol. I usually only save Pepsi and M&M's for times when I'm really down or really overwhelmed...I guess I was both today. As a result, I became incredibly dizzy and was given a stomach ache that stayed with me through the two hours of history presentations...the dizziness tagged along too.

Work was fine, but I was famished. For some reason, the chocolate and added caffine just didn't cut it. Hmm...

So, like any starved 19-year-old college student who still lives at home, I came home incredibly cranky...and my mom was able to enjoy every aspect...lucky her, I know. Then we fought about the car, and I had a nervous breakdown. (I realized that I'll never be able to afford to live on my own, but that's for a completely different post.)

Therefore, it's only natural that after a day like today, I would put my own cares above everyone else's, and find anyone else's thoughts simply ridiculous and annoying. But then a friend gave me a little perspective:

(Let's call this friend Graham)

Jennifer: he's driving me crazy because
apparently he wants me to know the details of his life

Graham: its ok thats what
friends do

Jennifer: maybe

Graham: no...yes it is

So what? So, "Graham" was right, and he had a fantastic point. Friendship is exactly about telling each other the details. Because sometimes you just have to, or at least you need to, and if you're friend won't listen, who will? And from that short discussion (if you can, in fact, call it a discussion) my whole day was changed, and I was simply thankful for friends...and that's all that seemed to matter. Because who else cares about the details?

Thrifty Timing

It has recently come to my attention that I spend far too much time on things that simply waste away valuable time. Things such as Facebook, Myspace, and T.V. This trend has got to stop. I spend on average five hours a day on these things...FIVE HOURS! That means that in one week, I've spent about thirty-five hours doing things that are completely unproductive. Multiply that by fifty-two and you get 1, 820 hours. Divide that by twenty-four, and that leaves you with approximately 76 days of wasted time!!! How ridiculous is that?!? Therefore, I'm going to put an end to the unproductiveness that has become my life. I'm not going to completely give up my leisure time. Sometimes, belive me, it's needed. But I am going to limit it. I honestly don't need to spend five hours a day catching up with friends and watching t.v. Even if I read a book instead, that's still far more productive than hitting the refresh button on my computer eighty-three hundred times.

A Few Small Feats...

Sometime in my lifetime, there are a few things I would like to accomplish...

...like...

• writing a book
• traveling basically around the world
• learning French
• swimming with dolphins
• getting a degree
• having a family
• having a nice house in the country
• sky diving
• white water rafting
• going on a missions trip

...and the list will probably be added to quite frequently, but that's it for now. Just thought I'd let you know.

T'is a Fine Day...

I am currently watching Pride and Prejudice (the old one with Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy), and am, therefore, in a whimsical type of mood. I wonder who today's Mr. Darcy would be...

Anyway, today is Easter, quite probably the most meaningful holiday of them all. It also marks the first day, since the beginning of February that I can again have ice cream, chocolate, cake, pop, and many, many other sweets. And therefore, my stomach hurts like no other. I have become quite frankly, a glutton. You would think that with all of the sugar I've had today, I would be bouncing of the walls, but the result is quite the contrary. I feel as if I could sleep for a week at least. I believe I've gained another stomach in the last ten hours.

Anyway, I'll leave the blogging world alone, and indulge in the last few minutes of the world of Miss Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy. He's proposing for the second time at the very moment.

Happy Easter :)

What Month Is It Again?

So my parents are re-doing the floors in our house; therefore, everything was crammed into the spare room while they were doing my room. And the snowmen just happened to be placed like this:

It looks like the Snowman family is being punished. Maybe subconciously we were blaming them for the snow that we STILL have in almost the middle of March! I think it's time for the snowmen to be put away.

Do I Really Need This?

So today I finally realized why so many people decide not to go to college when they have a job they like right out of high school. I'm not saying that I agree with the practice--hence the reason that I'm currently going to school and, oh yeah, hating it. Well not really; actually, I also realized what I don't like about school...but I'll get to that. Why people don't go to college--I have got to stop letting my undiagnosed ADD get the best of me. I was at school today for approximately six hours. It felt like thirteen. I was at work today for approximately three hours. It felt like fifteen minutes. So what's the difference? Here's what I came up with. I'm going to school for me. I'm paying for school. I'm taking classes (and again paying for classes) that I don't necessarily want to take. But I have to. Why? So that I can get a degree in what I think I want to do. And sometimes it's hard to see what sitting in a crowded room and talking about anything from getting wasted and not remembering the previous night to boys having urges to kill people with a group of random people (who also are wondering the exact same thing) while we wait for the instructor to do whatever it is that he's doing for 20 minutes at a time, has to do with teaching middle school students English. But when I'm at work (and this is only when I have something to do) I generally like what I'm doing. And I'm not getting graded on anything. There's a lot less pressure. Also, I don't necessarily have to take my work home with me. I do it there--unless I choose to take it home. And it's not necessarily for myself. It's for others. And unlike school, where the only one that benefits from me doing anything is myself, I'm usually doing something that will hopefully help someone else. And I'm getting paid to do this.

Now, the downside to not going to college. I know that I couldn't live on this cute little job forever. And there's this whole thing about security with a degree. (Although, I have a theory about the job security that I actually have now--but I think I'll save that for a later time.)

And why don't I like school? One word--deadlines. I hate homework. If I could just go to school and do everything there, I gladly would. And it's not the work that kills me--it's the having to take it outside of school and doing it. There are SO many more distractions outside of school; therefore, it takes me forever to finish anything...because let me tell you...I am the world's best procrastinator.

So there it is. My great epiphany of the day. Conclusion: Quit school and just find something that you like to do. Oh wait--didn't I just get done refuting this concept? Oh well...I suppose I'll just keep going to school. What else do I have to complain about?

How Do You Define a Great Week?

Wow, it's been a while....again. What a busy life I have...when did that happen?

So actually, a lot has kind of happened since my last post. Hmm...where to begin? I think I'll start with last Friday:

I have to do ten class observation hours for a Preteaching Pathway class, and I had my first five on Friday at Addison Elementary. It was for a third grade class. Now, I love kids at every age. I could watch Disney Channel and make necklaces and play games and goof off with them all day, and I would love it! But teaching third graders, just sounded like, well, a job to me. (I'm thinking about teaching middle school...I know, I really don't make any sense.) It was a job, but it was an amazing one! When I got home that afternoon, I knew for certain that I do, in fact, want to be a teacher.

Ok, so after school...Back in like December, Nathaniel had said that he wanted to see the Ten Tenors at JCC on February 22nd. I didn't know who they were, but a great plan for a birthday present began to form in my mind. (His birthday's March 18th, so I figured that was close enough.) So, back to last Friday. He picked me up after work, and we went out to eat, to the mall to kill some time, and then to the concert. Every old person in Jackson county and the surrounding area was in attendance. So, that was my impression of how the night was going to go...ten guys singing in order to entertain the 65 and over crowd. Very fortunately, I was wrong. The show was great! And we had a great time. Conclusion: there are some very cool old people in the Jackson area.

Moving on to Saturday:

Nathaniel and I had planned to go and see Robby that Saturday, but our plans fell through, so instead we decided to go to Lansing. Our first stop was the music store. Here's the thing about the music store: I love it! You know that feeling that you get as a kid going to Disney World for the first time? That's exactly how I feel every time I go into a music store. The downside to this, not only is it an expensive guilty pleasure, but there also is not a decent music store in Jackson, so I never actually get new music. Therefore, needless to say, I kind of went a little overboard on Saturday, but let me tell you, it was worth it. I walked out with the sheet music for Augustana's "Boston," Colbie Caillat's "Bubbly," Brad Paisley's "When I Get Where I'm Going," Martina McBride's "God's Will," and the entire book for the movie Pride and Prejudice :) Oh yeah, and the mall was fun too...

Sunday's kind of short. I went out to eat with my parents and look at a few computers. We also went to Target where my wonderful mother got me the new Jack Johnson cd for my birthday. I'm currently enjoying that now :)

Monday I developed a cold. And I got a new computer! It's completely beautiful, and I am completely in love with it

Tuesday was pretty uneventful...I stayed up all night working on a paper that is now not due until after break, but what are you going to do?!?

Wednesday: the celebration of Jennifer's 19th year of life. Also known as my birthday. Well, I woke up at 6:45 so that I could hear my name on the radio! Kelsey had put my name in on 97.5...I love her :) Then I had school, and I found out that I did really well on a history test, so that was nice. Then work. After work, my parents and I picked up Nathaniel and went to Applebee's for dinner.....mmmmm. After a very long car ride home (my dad drove), we watched Kate and Leopold, and I decided that every man needs to come from the late 18th century. Then I took him back to school, and I was tired, so I went to bed. Good birthday :)

Thursday: I didn't end up having class when I got there, so I went to the Holtons', and Thomas and Phil taught me how to look around in Halo...yeah, I will never be any good at video games. AND, yesterday also began my spring break! yay. AND yesterday, I found out that I can talk to people through my computer...yeah, it's cool.

Today: is Friday. And that's the end of the longest post ever :)

Back Without a Lot to Say

I haven't written in a very long time, and therefore feel the need to post something. I don't actually have anything to say, mind you; it just feels like time.

Well, let's see. A little update on cracking eggs--I have now perfected cracking an egg with one hand. Thanks again Audrey!

I've given up sweets for the duration of lent. This includes all candy, cookies, cake, pop, and anything that tastes good or resembles dessert. I miss ice cream and mems. It's a lot harder than I thought it was going to be, but kind of easier at the same time. I guess it's not so bad, but I really did want a chocolate cake and ice cream for my birthday. Oh well, maybe I'll just have to have two birthdays this year!

Ok, so here's a small demonstration of the amount of faith that my mom does not have in me. The main argument in the Williams household is over the car and driving. It's not that my parents don't want me to use the car; it's that my mom and, on occassion, my dad are paranoid about the condition of country roads. Therefore, I often have to have my parents take me to school and work, and I rarely am allowed to go to church if it's located more than four miles from home. So, back to my demonstration--this morning, I was running behind for school for multiple reasons. I usually leave at 9am to make sure that I'll be on time for my first class. At 8:45, my mom comes upstairs and lets me know about thirty-seven times that the roads are icy and I'm going to be late. I know this, and the fact that she told me thirty-seven times didn't change anything--it simply frustrated me. So, I make it downstairs around 9am, almost ready, and in those 15 minutes my mom has gotten dressed, curled her hair, brushed her teeth, and put her makeup on. She's determined to take me to school. After many uplifting and positive words are exchanged, I somehow convince her to let me go without her, on one condition--I call her when I get there. Finally, I get out the door, and go to school--the roads, by the way, aren't icy at all. When I get to school I find something out that fixes my mother's oppinion of me for the entire day. I left my phone at home. I assume that my mom will figure it out and decide to call her when I get to work.

Now here's my favorite part. I call my mom just to let her know that I didn't call her because I forgot my phone. "Oh," she says, "I thought, 'Oh Jennifer, this is not the morning to stub up to me!'"

"Thanks for having so much faith in me Mom."

"Well, it crossed my mind that maybe you forgot it."

"And you couldn't give me the benefit of the doubt?"

"Well I did, for a second. But then I decided that you just wanted to stub me this morning."

Thanks for having so much faith in me, Mom! Love you too!

I'm Glad I'm Not a Bird

The weather this week has been typical for Michigan--crazy. In fact, I've seen three different seasons today alone. It was fall on my way to school, and somewhere between bond maturity and an anlysis of fast food, it turned to winter. And when I came into work, a bloom on a plant tried to convince me it was spring--the ice on the trees told me otherwise. But, it's days like today that make me think that God's just up there showing off saying, "Hey, look at how cool I actually am. Did you see how I encased everything in crystal?" It really is amazing. I'm just glad I'm not a bird because it looks cold--and possibly heavy--sitting up there on those telephone wires.

Next order of business...I have been so mean to some people lately. I'm not really sure why, but I'm making a conscience effort to stop. I keep saying things that make me feel horrible as soon as they're out of my mouth. But I'm working on it. Just bear with me.

"I love the simple things; they are the only refuge of the complex."

Why does everyone always insist on complicating things? I'm just as guilty of it, yet I still don't understand. I'm not talking about anything in particular, just in general. Is it because we're bored, or is it because we don't believe that things could be as simple as they sometimes seem? I wish, sometimes, that life could just be a bunch of Jack Johnson songs strung together...one after another. And you know what, things were just as complicated when we were little, or at least they seemed to be then. We may have stressed over smaller issues, but that just means that we were better then at the whole complicating the simple things game. And we complicated everything, at least I do. Things that really don't matter, or things that could've been so simple if I would've just left them the way they were. Maybe it's curiosity. Maybe we simply wonder what things would be like if we pushed them just a little bit further.

But why do we always push things to the extreme? We can never just leave them at a little past simple. They always get to that complex and complicated point. Relationships, Family, Work, School, God, the Bible, Our Grocery Lists...Life. Sometimes I think so hard on such a simple subject that I twist it so much, it doesn't even resemble what it was in the first place.

Oh well, I guess I'll just have to turn to the simple things for refuge from the complex. Things like daisies, long drives, and Jack Johnson. Hopefully, I'll never be able to twist those into things that I don't recognize...the day that I do, I might as well just give up.

"Will the Love Continue When My Walk Becomes a Crawl?"

My parents are driving away right now, and I feel so terrible. My mom just tried to do something really nice for me, and I replied with ungratefulness. I've been acting like that a lot lately. I don't really know why, but I feel horrible everytime. As soon as the words come out, I want to take them back, but it's always too late. What makes me feel even worse is that I know she'll forgive me and move on without another thought. Moms are kind of like that.

So, I know that it's probably just because I'm around Jack all the time, but I feel like I've been bombarded with "baby" things lately. Allow me to explain. Everytime I watch tv or a movie, someone's having a baby. Everytime someone calls my mom it's because someone's having a baby. All my mom ever talks about are babies. I just saw Juno yesterday (which was a very good movie by the way), and I knew it was about a teen pregnancy, but I don't know, I guess I'm just getting a little freaked out. I mean, what's with all the babies?!? Ok, I sound like a crazy person...probably because I am...I'm done.

"I need this old train to breakdown..."

Let's start with Tuesday:

Having a test in econ., a paper due in English, and a chapter to read and two pages to write on its importance in history, all due on wednesday, I end up staying late at work. When I get home, I'm tired and cranky after school and work. So, as I get upset about not having any food in the house, Mom tries to pacify me with some dinner, and I grumpily thank her. Then I start my paper. I stay up until 2:00am. and get up at 6:30 am to finish it. The only thing I have accomplished by 9:00 when I have to leave for class is my poorly written paper and part of my chapter for history read.

Ok, Wednesday. Preface: I prayed for school to be cancelled all day on Tuesday...the weather wasn't as bad as predicted, therefore, the school was still open on Wednesday.
Ok, back to Wednesday. I arrived to school five minutes before class started. I took my econ test, which I had not studied for at all, and found that if I would've studied I probably would have aced it. I guess I'll see how I did without studying and 4 hours of sleep.
Class ended at 10:55, and I headed for my English class at 11:00...the only class I was prepared for. Surprise! My teacher was sick, so we had a substitute, and best yet...our papers weren't due until next Wednesday! Great, the only thing that I had gotten done...the thing that I spent my entire night and morning on. Thanks. I'm really glad that it's not due until next Wed. now! Really, I am. The only good thing out of this...we were able to work on anything during English, and I chose to work on history, which I hastily finished.
So, I went over to the other building for some lunch, and while trying to access the internet on my ipod (one of the main reasons I wanted an itouch) the screen repeatedly decided to tell me that my username or password was incorrect...after I had been able to get on last week.
Ok, so history. It's ok. I can't really understand the professor because he talks down into his legal pad and mumbles, but I can handle that. However, it looks like I don't understand the concept of the whole writing assignment that we have after every chapter and I only received a 5/10. Great, thanks, I'll work on that. Ok, it's not that I don't understand it, it's because I do it in 15 minutes.

After work, which there's a story here too that I won't go into, I went home and ate dinner and slept for six hours! I was, needless to say, exhausted! Physically and mentally. So, when I got online at 12:00am and talked to a friend who told me some news that's not really horrible but in my weakened state I found to be the end of the world, I kind of broke down.

Now, I know that it sounds like I'm just whining, and that's probably because I am. But if I don't, everything's just going to be stuck inside of me. I know that the reason I feel so overwhelmed right now is almost completely my own fault. But I can't take that away. I'm working on it. But I feel so scared right now for so many different reasons. I just want everything to stop, so that I can look at the big picture and say, Ok, I know everything's eventually going to be okay. I know it's useless to worry, but I really am scared. And I know that everything will work out in the end, but it's just hard when all I see is everything crumbling.

"When I feel bad I like to treat myself. Clothes never look any good, food just makes me fatter. Shoes always fit. "

I've been thinking about my sister a lot lately. I miss her. Thinking about her has made me realize how much I've changed. This is kind of vaguely connected, so just try to stay with me. I've been thinking about how she thinks she's crazy because she has anxiety issues...our whole family has anxiety issues, but she's convinced that she's the only one who's not normal. And she wonders how I deal with it. Well, the plain and simple truth is that I don't hold it in...I let my craziness out all the time. You have to, otherwise, you implode. But here's how I've changed...I never used to let everything out. I used to keep everything bottled up and completely to myself. Now I have a blog. But the change occured before I made a blog. It happened sometime this summer. I always have to tell someone everything. I can't hold anything in. I'm not talking about secrets or gossiping, but if something's bothering me, or I'm worried about something, I annoy somebody else with it. And I still feel crazy, but it's out there, and it's not turning and growing inside me.

Another way that my sister has shown me how much I've changed deals with shoes. I don't buy nearly as many pairs of shoes as I used to. We would always go shopping on weekends when we lived like five minutes apart...and I would buy a new pair of shoes about once a month. Now that we live about six hours apart, shoes have simply lost their excitement. I miss shoes. She always made buying shoes fun and necessary...she always made me think I simply needed them. Now, I'm pretty sure I just need her.

What Happened to the Days Between Saturday and Thursday?

I can't believe I haven't posted since Saturday! I have been so busy...in fact, I'm only giving myself approximately 12 minutes to complete this post. I'm re-doing my room, but it was a mess, so I'm trying to go through everything and get it completely organized before I mess it all up again, so I've been working on that. I have so much homework this semester. I guess I'm not really complaining...just fretting. I feel like I'll never be able to stay on top of it. I actually stayed after at work yesterday because I had so much to do. I cannot believe it's Thursday already!

And now, a time for me to whine...I am so tired all of the time. When I come home everyday, all I want to do is sleep. And because I'm so tired and so lifeless, I put off my homework until really late. Not getting enough sleep, therefore, to re-energize my self for the following morning. I'm so tired of being so tired. Okay, end of whining (for now).

Have I ever mentioned that I have the greatest friends? Because I do. I know what you're thinking, "No, Jennifer, I have the greatest friends." I'm sorry, but you're wrong unless you have the exact same friends as me. I know everyone always thinks that their friends are the greatest, but that award goes to me. I love them so much. I can't imagine life without a single one of them. They're crazy and sincere and funny and thoughtful and understanding and ridiculous and always there and so much more. I think my favorite thing about my friends is that they're predictably unpredictable. I know them through and through, and yet, without failure, they always surprise me in some way. In a concise phrase, they're perfect.

Okay, my time limit's up. I have a bunch more to say, so I'm using this post as a reminder to share later.

"One, Two, Three, Crack."

I woke up around 12:00 pm today! Twelve 'o clock! To say the least, it was amazing. And to celebrate, I made breakfast for myself. Nothing special, just eggs, toast, and juice. It was very good, but that's not why I mention it. There's this part in the original Sabrina--the one with Audrey Hepburn--where she's in the French cooking school, and the instructor teaches them how to crack an egg with one hand. "One, two, three, crack," he says, and all the students follow suit. When he comes to Audrey Hepburn, she opens her hand and there's a mess of an egg in her hand. But Audrey gets it perfectly by the end of the movie. While making dinner for Linus she confidently pulls out an egg and says, "One, two, three, crack. See," she says, "it's all in the wrist." So what does that have to do with my breakfast? Everything. I have been trying to perfectly crack an egg with one hand since the first time I saw Sabrina; and today, for the first time, I did it! I know it's the most ridiculous thing in the world, but I felt like a scientist discovering the cure for cancer. Ahh, now I can die happy...ok, well sort of.

On a completely different note, it is shockingly cold outside. On my way home tonight, the sign at the bank read 7 degrees! It's nights like these that I wish we had a fireplace. (Note to future self...Be sure to buy a house with a fireplace. Even if it can't fit more than a bed in the entire house, it will have a fireplace.) What makes the weather worse is my shoe situation. My parents have this thing about leaving our shoes in the garage. This isn't a big deal when it's warmmer out or when my socks are higher than the insides of my shoes. But on a day like today, when it's below freezing and I wear boots that almost come up to my knees and socks that come a little past my ankles, it's unbearable.

So I have been incredibly dizzy all day today. I get dizzy a lot--I know it's strange, but it's true--but not usually this dizzy. I've never been very tipsy before, but I have a feeling this is what it would almost feel like...only I would probably like the feeling. Right now, I don't. My computer screen is currently swaying and making my head hurt. It takes me a while to get up and down the stairs. Walking straight is a whole different matter in and of itself. Maybe I'll just give into it and start looking like a drunk. That'll go over well in church tomorrow. Hmm...I guess we'll see how it goes...

Officially Sick

I think I've come to the conclusion that I am probably the only one who reads my own blog. Oh well, that's okay I guess. At least I'm able to get some thoughts down.

I've been fighting the beginning of a cold for a while now, but I think it's finally here. I am officially sick. It's kind of early for me this year. Usually I don't get sick until the end of March or the beginning of April. I haven't lost my voice yet though, which is the worst part because it makes answering phones very difficult and a little humorous, so I guess it's not so bad. Hope it goes away soon though =)

So I was thinking...JCC isn't really as bad as I make it out to be. I think the only reason I really don't like it is because I don't live on campus, so I'm not making any close friends. The teachers are pretty good though (I actually really like some of my teachers this semester), and the classes aren't your normal community college classes; some of them are actually a little challenging, which is a good thing. Basically, this is all to say that I need to quit complaining. I'm going to get to Spring Arbor eventually. I just have to get through two years, and I suppose JCC isn't a horrible place to spend them.

One more thing. "Therefore have I uttered that I understood not, things too wonderful for me, which I knew not." That's what Job said in Job 42:3 after God showed him how foolish he was being. I hear you Job.

Without a Glimpse of Darkened Skies...

It's winter again, and the sky is grey again. At the church that I used to go to before we moved, the bulletins always had a verse or a quote on them. One of them was, "Without a glimpse of darkened skies, our hearts would never realize the beauty of the day." It's such a true statement. I love winter, but the warmer weather made me excited for summer.

Well, a lot of things have changed since my last post. I no longer have a perfect devotions record for 2008. I very nearly lost a really good friend--partly my own fault. I let the way I was feeling interfere with school, and I got very little done. I'm also getting sick partly due to stress I think, but mostly due to a lack of sleep. Needless to say, I hit a low point this past weekend. A very low point. But, everything's starting to look up now. Nothing's perfect, but I'm working on everything--a combined effort on some things.

I hate that I haven't done my devotions in the last three days, but I can't dwell on that. I just have to get back into them. And I will, starting tonight. My friendship isn't perfect, but we're okay, and I think this falling out will actually make us better friends than we were. I'm catching up on most of my homework. I still have a paper due on Wednesday that I haven't even started yet and a lot of reading, but I have gotten some things done, and now I just have to stay focused and disciplined. I'm still sick, but I think I if catch up on some sleep I'll start feeling better soon.

The good thing about low points--God always has a lesson planned somewhere in there. I'm listening and just realizing the beauty of the day.

"I should be sleeping instead of keeping these late hours I've been keeping..."

I'm in a good place right now. Not everything is perfect, but I wouldn't want it to be. I'm actually driven this semester, and I hope I can keep that drive throughout the whole semester. I'm also learning more at work, which makes me feel like I'm contributing more, even if maybe I'm not. I still have my great friends, and I'm not in a relationship at the moment, but I'm actually okay with that. I'm keeping my resolutions so far, and I've done my devotions every night. I've been able to drive home with the windows down and the radio blaring for the last two days, and to top it all off, my hair smells really good right now--thanks Herbal Essences. I still have my fears, reservations, and skepticisms, but really, what would life be without them? A whole lot less exciting, that's what.

Alright, this is short, but it's late and I have class in the morning and work in the afternoon, so I should really get some sleep.

Bonne Nuit :)

"It's Like Trying to Catch the Rain."

There's a Rascal Flatts song called "Winner at a Losing Game." It's completely depressing, and possibly true, but that's not why I mention it. There's a line that says, "Have you ever had to love someone that just don’t feel the same? Trying to make somebody care for you the way I do is like trying to catch the rain." I'm still puzzled on what that means. Does it mean that when you try to catch the water from the rain it goes through the cracks in your fingers? I'm not sure I really understand the analogy. If I had to make my own assumption, I would say that it's like when the water falls in your hands, you have this false hope that it's going to stay there, but then it disappears. I don't know...it's just a thought.

On a different note, I went back to school today...four more months and I can get lost in the summer once again. I actually had a moment earlier today that I missed the summer so much that it physically hurt. I wish I could just go to the perfect moment in the summer and stop time. But I can't, so I just have to get over it and keep going. I feel so tangled right now, I really can't explain it, so I won't even try to go into it. The problem is that I'm an over-thinker; I think about something and disect all the pieces so much so that even less makes sense to me at the end than did in the beginning.

I have more to add here from my devotions last night, but I don't have it in front of me, so I'll save that for another post. For now, I have a lot of reading to do.

Giving In

I try to make it a habit not to make New Year's Resolutions. To me, they just seem to be somewhat disappointing. I never even remember what they were by the end of the year, and some of them don't even matter anyway. But this year I'm looking at things differently. I'm really not sure why. Perhaps on one extreme it's peer pressure--on the other, (and a more likely reason) I'm stubborn and I believe that I can this year. No matter the reason, I am going to make my resolutions now and I am definitely going to follow through with them this year. So, here they are:

• Do my devotions on a regular basis.
• Stop procrastinating in school and even get ahead at times.
• Stay informed on political and current events.
• Drink less soda.
• Stop pointing out the flaws of others.
• Learn to play the guitar (at least the basics).
• Save more money.
• Be there for my friends more.
• Put more effort into my writing.
• Extend my vocabulary.

"It's a New Day..." It's a New Year :)

It's funny (not in a "ha ha" kind of way, but in a "fancy that" sort of way) how differently respectively similar people can view one year. I was sitting in my living room with a group of my closest friends watching t.v. a couple minutes before the start of 2008, and everyone had a different feeling toward 2007. For some, it was the worst year, for others, the best, and still for others, it was simply another year. For me, it fell into that second category. Ok, so that's great, but here's why--I grew up. I can hear the laughter now, so no, I don't mean that I am all of a sudden this new and improved fun-sucking old lady who sits around and talks about how bad I had it back in my day. I simply mean that I listened when God spoke; not all the time, mind you, but more so than I had in previous years. Today, I almost feel as if I'm not even that same girl that I was at the beginning of 2007; I feel as if I remember her from some story that I had read and was briefly attached to. It's amazing to me the catalysts that God used in my transformation. The biggest one was collectively camp. If I had to peg it to one person, I suppose that person would be Kelsey. She has helped me so many times and in so many ways. She has been there for me every step of the way.

All of this is not to say that I didn't have any conflicts in 2007. I did, but I also found ways to work through them--another aspect of my growth. A big turning point for me came after a sermon at JFM. I'm not even 100% sure I remember what the sermon was on, but the pastor mentioned that Paul's purpose before his conversion was persecuting Christians. I decided then that whatever I do, I want to have an underlying purpose of glorifying my God, and I can in whatever I do :) There was also a quote that helped me out: "Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them." I had never thought of happiness that way before, and therefore had had a hard time learning to be happy.

Anyway, I know this is long, but I wanted to do one more thing that I stole from Sara. She gave a list of what she was thankful for in 2007, and here's mine:

1. Finding true happiness even amidst all the problems.
2. My incredible friends and family that will always be there. And with that, Christian friends and family that share the same quest as me.
3. The bittersweet end of old relationships and the adventure of new ones.
4. A job that I love and even look forward to doing. Also my boss and coworkers who mean so much more to me than just my job.
5. Being able to go to college and knowing why I'm there.
6. I never thought I'd say this, but being able to live at my parent's house.
7. My mom, my dad, and my sister; I've had friends that have come and gone, but they have always been there supporting me, and they always will be.

Happy New Year :)