One Year Ago Tonight...

...I was lying in the (back then) computer room floor...working on homework...adding lyrics to all my itunes songs...talking about how the snow looked glittery...and counting down the minutes 'til I turned nineteen.

Tonight I'm sitting at my desk...not working on homework...waiting for my parents to get home...listening to the wind and rain...and wishing the minutes wouldn't go by so very quickly.

This hope will never disappoint

I haven't posted anything in a while. I've started several drafts, but nothing ever seemed right. The truth is, I didn't want to sound self absorbed, and I didn't want to sound whiny, but I was tired of feeling hurt by people who didn't even realize they were hurting me. I wonder if I've ever hurt someone so bad and not even realized it. If I ever have, how I wish I could apologize and try to make up for it.

I felt so disregarded, insignificant, distrusted, unfit, tossed aside, and so very small. And the worst part was that I felt that it was all my fault. And then I hated myself for letting another person have that much power over me.

Didn't God tell me that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made"? If God made me, if he saved me, then why was I letting another person make me feel worthless. If I'm not worthless to a God whom I've let down on so many occasions and who would have every right to disown me, how in the world did I let myself become worthless to someone who's made just as many mistakes as I have? I know I'm not perfect. I know that I'm far from it, but I'm still human, and I still needed to feel that I wasn't completely hopeless.

I knew that I couldn't make anyone feel a certain way, and I couldn't change them. I knew that I should just be able to give it all to God and let it go. But I couldn't for some reason, and then tonight, I recalled one of my favorite passages. It's Romans 5:1-11:

"Since we have been made right with God by our faith, we have
peace with God. This happened through our Lord Jesus Christ, who through our
faith has brought us into that blessing of God's grace that we now enjoy. And we
are happy because of the hope we have of sharing God's glory. We also have joy
with our troubles, because we know that these troubles produce patience. And
patience produces character, and character produces hope. And this hope will
never disappoint us, because God has poured out his love to fill our hearts. He
gave us his love through the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to
us.

When we were unable to help ourselves, at the right time,
Christ died for us, although we were living against God. Very few people will
die to save the life of someone else. Although perhaps for a good person someone
might possibly die. But God shows his great love for us in this way: Christ died
for us while we were still sinners.

So through Christ we will surely be saved from God's anger,
because we have been made right with God by the blood of Christ's death. While
we were God's enemies, he made us his friends through the death of his Son.
Surely, now that we are his friends, he will save us through his Son's life. And
not only that, but now we are also very happy in God through our Lord Jesus
Christ. Through him we are now God's friends again."

After thinking about that, I don't know how I could ever have thought of myself as insignificant or hopeless. Or how anyone could for that matter. Jesus died for me so that I could have hope. God loved me enough and regarded me enough that he wanted to save me. And even though someone can make me so angry and cause me so much hurt, God loved them enough to save them and give them the same hope he gives me. So instead of trying to blame someone, I'm able to wait patiently for the hurt to disappear, and I'm able to forgive someone even if they don't know they've hurt me because I have peace with God.

Sick day

You know when you were little and you were sick...and it was okay to just take the day off and pretend that it didn't even exist because you were sick...and you were allowed to stay in your pajamas all day...and watch movies...and take a pillow and blanket on the couch and snuggle with mom...and eat ice cream because your throat hurt...

...I wish I could still do that.

Lessons learned in twenty-o-eight

So I wanted to do this at the beginning of the year or even at the end of last year, but it's February and I'm doing it now. I don't make New Years resolutions because I know I won't keep them. I guess I don't understand the whole I haven't exercised in the last 673 days, but on January 1st I am going to everyday for a year mentality. Maybe it's just me, but I have more of an I'm going to work at exercising more this year and see where that takes me mentality. But while I know not to make promises I'm not going to keep at the beginning of the new year, I also enter each year knowing that I'm going to learn so much.


Here are just a few of the lessons I learned in 2008:

• Life can be lousy and fantastic all in the same moment.
• Sometimes you just have to leap even if you have no idea what you're doing.
• People in Wisconsin say "I know, right?" far too often.
• I came from a piece of granite (because both granite and myself have calcium in us). Thank you JCC.
• Have faith even when nobody else believes.
• Some people are even better at putting up walls than I am.
• Staying busy helps me save money.
• I can get books for school a whole lot cheaper online.
• Even when you don't know how you're going to keep moving, you'll somehow find the strength.
• I can't always forget, but the remembering gets easier with time.
• Some kids have way too much energy at 6:30 in the morning.
• I don't want to be a teacher right now.
• You really can't please everyone (even if you try really hard).
• Sometimes, even if it's really not your fault, you're still going to get blamed (and there's nothing you can do but grin and bear it).
• Vampires don't go in the sunlight because they're sparkly.
• My mom can knit.
• Long train rides by yourself are incredibly boring.
• Never take an exit unless you know where it leads and where you're going.
• Some things are worth it, even if the ending sucks.
• Smart people go to bed before 2:00am.
• I will probably never grow out of my "clumsy phase" or my "awkward stage."
• Believe it or not, some people really do know how you feel.

Again, that's not all of them...just some of the highlights. I can't wait to see what I learn this year!