what if...

Sometimes I wonder who I'd be if I had been born me, but into different circumstances. Like what if I grew up with a brother? Or what if my mother never read to me? What if my parents never sent me to a super conservative school? What if we didn't move when I was fifteen? I know, I know, it doesn't do any good to wonder what if because I didn't grow up with a brother, my mom did read to me, I did go to an anti-union, pro George Bush high school, and we did move when I was the beautifully stubborn age of fifteen. And all of these circumstances and events have shaped me into who I am today, which I, for one, am incredibly grateful for.

Still, I love imagining all of the what ifs. Like what if I had roommates who didn't run down the hall carrying a giant decorated futon box. I suppose this year would be a little drabber. Is drabber even a word?

things I miss about home...

...in no particular order:

• Levi
• my piano
• the lake
• my (mom's) bike
• my mom
• taco Tuesday
• alternative radio
• How I Met Your Mother dvds
• the big comfy chair in the living room
• hills and elevations
• washing dishes with Kelsey
• weekends with Jess
• the swing on the deck
• the kitchen

regression

You're supposed to feel like you're growing up when you go away to school, right? I feel like I'm going the opposite direction. Well not getting younger necessarily, but I'm beginning to realize I haven't been in a state of living that coincides with my age in a very long time. And perhaps I went a little too far backward in order to make up for this.

Prior to August 14th, I had had a fairly steady job for a little over three years. I had a pretty set nine to five schedule, aside from the more-than-occasional night class. I grocery shopped, packed my lunch, and woke up at the same time every morning. I picked up the mail from the post office every morning and made dinner for me and my dad almost every evening. I worked in an office with five other people, all at least ten years older than me. I was in the car approximately four to six hours a week just driving between work, school, and home.

I was your typical forty-five year old...only I lived with my parents and didn't have too many financial obligations.

Fast forward to today. I live in a small room and sleep in a lofted bed. I get up early-ish every morning. I share a suite with three other girls, all eighteen or younger. When I'm hungry, I go downstairs to the cafeteria (I haven't consistently eaten in a cafeteria setting in over five years) where they swipe my card and I pick something that somebody else has cooked. I have classes about fourteen hours a week. The rest of my time is spent studying, walking around, hanging out, or sleeping. I don't really have to drive anywhere unless I just feel like getting off campus. And I actually have a chance to get bored.

I'm not trying to sound condescending in the least. I don't feel like I am way too mature and grownup to be living with a bunch of freshmen in a dorm. Because I'm not. It's just weird. I've always liked doing things for myself, and, even though I always complained about it, I liked having way too much pressure and responsibility on my shoulders. I liked over scheduling myself. It was inconvenient and annoying a lot of the time, but it was comfortable.

But I like this stage of life too.

home

I'm sitting in my somewhat put together dorm room. It's 2AM and I have a class in 7 hours. I can't sleep. My stomach hurts, and it just occured to me that all I've had to eat today is a piece of pizza and a slurpee. I'm home.

for future nostalgia

Tomorrow's the big day. Kind of. I'm moving all of my stuff, sans my makeup, some clothes, and a few hair care products, up to Central in the morning. Then I'm coming back to Somerset. Then I'm going downriver. Then I'm coming back to Somerset. Then I'm going back to Central, where I'll stay...until I get homesick. (This is all over an entire weekend...not just tomorrow.)

This is the part where I'm supposed to start freaking out, but I haven't yet. I have absolutely nothing ready to go, and I'm sitting in the living room floor of the old new house (or is it new old house?) and blogging for memory's sake. Completely content. Completely ready for something new and challenging.

But I'm going to miss things about this summer. This house for one. I've grown attached to this house. For the six years we lived in the other one, I never felt anything for it. But four months in this house, and it's like we've known each other all our lives. I'm going to miss having the doorwalls open and watching the water and sitting on the swing. I'm going to miss listening to the crickets and the frogs at night. And the kayaking. And what will someday be my room. And my six shades of green bathroom. And watching it turn into a home. Plus I've already picked out my "computer spot" in the living room against the couch.

I'm also going to miss recreational reading. Beginning Sunday it's going to be 90% text books. Boo.

I'm going to miss random hangout sessions with Kelsey (Grove) Heinz. Our walks. Our talks. Our outings. Our giggling. Our making awful tasks and errands seem like the most glorious of times together.

I'm going to miss my (sort of) new friends Debbie and Sara (sort of about the "new" part, not the "friends" part). I'm really sad that I have to leave these two lovely ladies behind. I'll miss coloring, eating ice cream, adventures with Sara. I'll miss movies, Starbucks, and sitting in the Target supply room during a tornado warning with Debbie. I'll miss our talks and the wonderful people they are. But there will be visits :) I mean really, I can't stay away from camp for too long.

I'll miss spending time with Jess. I have absolutely cherished the time I've spent with her this summer. When we were little, we always thought we were sisters, and lately, I've felt like we truly are. I love that we're growing up, but still staying close and growing even closer.

And of course, I'll miss my family. Mom and Dad, of course...but mostly Levi. I feel like the worst mother in the world, abandoning my only son and leaving him with his grandmother who calls him stupid and has threatened to kick him out countless times. Sigh...I'm really going to miss that little guy. I hope he still loves me when I come home.

Okay, it's getting late, and my writing is getting sub-par. I should go get some sleep. I have a big day tomorrow!

main points

• The house sold.
• I finally got to hang out with Mrs. Heinz today. It was wonderful. She's letting me borrow her refrigerator.
• Jessie's birthday was on Saturday. Horseback riding, buffalo observing, drive-in, uncomfortable floor...I think that covers the basics.
• I move into my room on Thursday. That's one day from right now.
• Kristi and Jason's wedding's on Saturday. We're all growing up.
• As of 2PM last Saturday, I don't work at Somerset Beach. I'm glad to be done, but it's a weird adjustment.
• I'm hanging out with Debbie and Sara tomorrow. I'm pretty sure Starbucks will be involved. I'm pumped.
• I'm listening to Dashboard Confessional right now. Never gets old.
• I'm excited for my linguistics class.
• I usually never end up liking the classes I'm initially excited for.

two for one

"Haaaaaaaaaaaave you met Ted?" Sorry...that had nothing to do with anything. I just had to.

Anyway, have I mentioned that I'm going to Central in 12ish days? I am. People keep asking me if I'm nervous or excited. Nine times out of ten I just tell them I'm not sure yet. It's the truth. I haven't decided. I don't really feel nervous, and I'm not all that excited. I'm mostly just indifferent. It doesn't make sense to me either. But I know exactly what will happen. I won't feel anything until the morning I'm supposed to head up there, and what I'll feel is a horrible stomach ache. It'll stick around for the entire 2 hour drive to Mr. Pleasant. Once I'm there, though, and I've met my suite mates, I'll be just peachy. Hopefully.

The whole experience will repeat itself that Sunday when I actually move in for good. I'm taking all my stuff up next Thursday probably, but then I'm coming home because Kristi and Jason's wedding is on Saturday, so I'd be coming home that weekend anyway. It doesn't make much sense that I would go through my little nervous ritual all over again, but that's the way my issue infested little self works. I've pretty much come to terms with it. Just another quirk.

In other news...

...I love living on the lake! I'm a little sad that we haven't always lived on a lake. I've become so outdoorsy. I've always liked being outside and enjoying the beautiful creations around me, but now I can't get enough of it! If I don't go for a bike ride or take a kayak out, I feel a little depressed at the end of the day, almost like I missed out on something. I even like to just sit by the water and read. It's kind of blissful, and I'm definitely going to miss it when I go to school. Something to look forward to next summer though!