I think we should just be friends.

I deactivated my Facebook account today. We had the "It's not you; it's me" talk and everything. I think it's for the best.

That said, please stop worrying. You didn't do anything. Yes, we [probably] are still friends. No, I didn't block you.

that and this

A random selection of today's thoughts:

-Everytime I see someone on campus using the waist strap on their backpack, I can't help singing "we love the German tourist" in my head.

-I think I'm going to get some rollerblades.

-Who decided that leggings should replace pants? Really...I'd like to meet that person.

-My sister's only 7 (driving) hrs. away for the next week and a half, and I don't get to see her :(

-I am so ready for fall...crunchy leaves, apple cider, and cute jackets here I come!

-I really miss listening to alternative radio.

-My mom watched Glee yesterday because she missed me. How cute is that?

what's in a name?

I'm liking this new college life of mine. There are people, places, and things that I miss, but they'll still be there when I get back...hopefully. One thing I'm really missing right now, though, is my piano. I just listened to Love Song which has a really great piano part, and I wanted to play it so badly. My fingers are just itching to now. With all the moving going on at home, I hope my piano will be accessible in a couple of weeks when I go back.

I have a thing about naming inanimate objects, and I've just realized that I haven't given either the upright or the electric piano a name. I'll have to figure those out. In the meantime, here's a list of some of the others:

_Gretchen (GPS)

_Ellsworth (computer)

_Bess/Bets/Bessy (car)

_Jorge (husband...the pillow kind)

_Veronica (Dad's truck)

_Fuseli (camera)

_Lancelot and Gilbert (stuffed bear and tortoise, respectively)

[more] thoughts on the past

I know I visit this topic far too frequently, but I absolutely love the past. It's not because I'm afraid of the future or I can't figure out the present. Both of these and neither of these are true to some extent, but neither of them has anything to do with my point. I love how the three are connected. Unlike my thought processes seem to be.

I've been thinking about the past a lot lately, and I keep coming to the conclusion that I like revisiting the "negative" memories. I keep thinking if it weren't for... or I'm glad that happened because... I know it's silly to dwell on the past, but I'm not sitting there thinking I wish I wouldn't have... or If only that didn't happen... , so I've decided it's okay and not entirely fruitless. Failed relationships, unwanted moves, even kidney stones have all been worth it. I'm grateful for the past.

One of my-not-so-favorite authors said, "...there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." I don't want my past to be a prison. I don't think of it as bad or good. It's just a map detailing the path I've taken to this exact moment. And I am very content in that.

what if...

Sometimes I wonder who I'd be if I had been born me, but into different circumstances. Like what if I grew up with a brother? Or what if my mother never read to me? What if my parents never sent me to a super conservative school? What if we didn't move when I was fifteen? I know, I know, it doesn't do any good to wonder what if because I didn't grow up with a brother, my mom did read to me, I did go to an anti-union, pro George Bush high school, and we did move when I was the beautifully stubborn age of fifteen. And all of these circumstances and events have shaped me into who I am today, which I, for one, am incredibly grateful for.

Still, I love imagining all of the what ifs. Like what if I had roommates who didn't run down the hall carrying a giant decorated futon box. I suppose this year would be a little drabber. Is drabber even a word?

things I miss about home...

...in no particular order:

• Levi
• my piano
• the lake
• my (mom's) bike
• my mom
• taco Tuesday
• alternative radio
• How I Met Your Mother dvds
• the big comfy chair in the living room
• hills and elevations
• washing dishes with Kelsey
• weekends with Jess
• the swing on the deck
• the kitchen

regression

You're supposed to feel like you're growing up when you go away to school, right? I feel like I'm going the opposite direction. Well not getting younger necessarily, but I'm beginning to realize I haven't been in a state of living that coincides with my age in a very long time. And perhaps I went a little too far backward in order to make up for this.

Prior to August 14th, I had had a fairly steady job for a little over three years. I had a pretty set nine to five schedule, aside from the more-than-occasional night class. I grocery shopped, packed my lunch, and woke up at the same time every morning. I picked up the mail from the post office every morning and made dinner for me and my dad almost every evening. I worked in an office with five other people, all at least ten years older than me. I was in the car approximately four to six hours a week just driving between work, school, and home.

I was your typical forty-five year old...only I lived with my parents and didn't have too many financial obligations.

Fast forward to today. I live in a small room and sleep in a lofted bed. I get up early-ish every morning. I share a suite with three other girls, all eighteen or younger. When I'm hungry, I go downstairs to the cafeteria (I haven't consistently eaten in a cafeteria setting in over five years) where they swipe my card and I pick something that somebody else has cooked. I have classes about fourteen hours a week. The rest of my time is spent studying, walking around, hanging out, or sleeping. I don't really have to drive anywhere unless I just feel like getting off campus. And I actually have a chance to get bored.

I'm not trying to sound condescending in the least. I don't feel like I am way too mature and grownup to be living with a bunch of freshmen in a dorm. Because I'm not. It's just weird. I've always liked doing things for myself, and, even though I always complained about it, I liked having way too much pressure and responsibility on my shoulders. I liked over scheduling myself. It was inconvenient and annoying a lot of the time, but it was comfortable.

But I like this stage of life too.