Bad Timing

I have a 20-37 page Life Plan Portfolio due in my interpersonal communication class on Wednesday. Planning the rest of my life for a class kind of puts a damper on my whole letting go mentality. I know it's a good thing to be prepared, but I don't want to figure out where I want to be in 10 years. Oh well, if it helps me pass the class I guess I can do a project on at least how I want my life to go.

Take it from me...

During junior high and high school I would get stomachaches every morning on the way to school. I think I would get so stressed out over whether or not each day was going to be the one that made me fall. The anxiety made me physically hurt. I was an all A student, and it's so much easier to fall when you're at the top than it is when you're on the bottom. Fortunately, I made it through junior high and high school without falling, and I've been anxiety stomachache free for the last three years.

Unfortuately, they're back. Only now, I get them before anything and everything. School, work, meeting new people, making a phone call, going home. I am so stressed out. I'm not sure if it's still about falling, but maybe it is.

I have so much work to do for school--at least one major project in each class. I really liked my schedule at the beginning of the semester, but I hate it now. I'm only taking thirteen credits, but cramming them into three days is wearing me out.

I don't even know what's wrong with work. I think I'm just so tired from school already that extra work is just added stress. It doesn't even have to be hard or a lot of it; it's still added.

Getting stressed about going home sounds ridiculous, but not if you saw my room...or my car...or my bathroom. I have gotten so behind in staying on top of things at home that I honestly don't even know where to start. So not only do I have a ton of homework to do, I also have things piling up at home.

Now, I know that it just sounds like I'm complaining, and that's probably because I am. But I couldn't get to tonight without prefacing with all of that. I was driving home tonight after three hours of working on a project for my writing class, and Jesus Take the Wheel came on the radio. I know that it's an overplayed song, but tonight it literally brought me to tears. The line, "She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention," is what made me start listening because it's exactly where I am. I have so much going through my mind, and somewhere along the way, I've put myself back in control of my life, and stomachaches is where it's gotten me. I can't do that; I am an awful dictator of my own life. Every time I try to lead it alone, it turns into a mess. But God knows that, and that's why He is the only one that can be in control of it and have it still make sense.

I don't know why I try to be in control. I hate being in control. It's so much easier to just give everything to God and have Him direct me. So, Lord, I'm letting go. Help me to let you lead.

Kids...Ha.

I'm definitely not having kids.

Well maybe one...

...but only if it's perfect...

...and cute.

But I'm definitely not having multiple children. My mom and dad were thinking with that whole 8 years apart thing. There simply should not be more than one child under 5 in any one household.

It's 9:20...AM...and I'm ready for bed.

I feel like this...I bet she gets me.

Self Discovery

The other day I went back and read about a year's worth of old blog posts on Myspace and here. It's amazing how guarded I've become when sharing life with more than twenty or so people. It's also amazing how much history repeats itself...at least my history. About a year ago, I wrote this:


11 Revelations
Current mood: chill
Category: Life

So I've realized some things about me that I just wanted to get out:


1. I know I just started this with "so", but so what?
2. When I'm upset at one boy, I usually make some kind of universal statement on how all boys are stupid.
3. I usually let people see everything about me, but when I put up walls, they're impenetrable.
4. I'm not sure that "impenetrable" is a word.
5. My life is really boring, but for once, I don't care.
6. I think I'm losing my hair; I swear it's coming out in clumps.
7. I'm a hypochondriac.
8. I actually know what I want, and I'm afraid that I don't actually want it because I've never known what I want before this, so how do I know that this is, in fact, what I want?
9. I don't trust people as easily as I used to, and I'm not so sure how I feel about that.
10. The best things may not happen while you're dancing, but they do happen when you don't ask for them.
11. When I look back on it, some of the best things that have happened to me are the things that I've spent days crying over.


And today:


1. I still start a lot of my posts with "so."
2. Boys are still stupid...I blame society.
3. I'm even better at hiding things than I used to be...which is sad because I'm not that great at it.
4. "Impenetrable" is a word.
5. Life is: Work, School, Facebook...at least for now.
6. I'm pretty laid back.
7. At the same time, I'm easily irritated.
8. In everyday conversation, I usually say all the wrong words before I finally find the right ones.
9. I don't trust most people at all anymore.
10. People see me a lot differently than I see myself.
11. Friends that will be there for you even when you're boring are really hard to find...I'm glad I still have some.
12. I haven't changed that much in a year. I wonder if that process just eventually stops...I hope not.

Babysitting Update

After babysitting last Tuesday, I was dead set against having crazy little people (a.k.a. kids) of my own...ever. But I have to admit that this morning softened me a little, and I've decided to maybe think about it. The angels didn't get up until after 7 this morning! And all at different times, which created ample breathing time. Other than a squirmy baby who didn't want to wear shorts, a jar of little rubber bands being dumped into the sink, and a slightly rebellious four year old, things went very smoothly. The shorts finally ended up on the baby; every tiny rubber band was put back into the jar (except for the ones that are probably in the drain now...oops); and I found out that 4 year olds can easily be persuaded with Tootsie Rolls :)

On a completely different note, I love Michigan fall weather. It was warm enough for a t-shirt at 6:30 this morning. I thought I was in the middle of a hurricane around 9AM. And it's completely picturesque at the present moment. *sigh*

On: Learning to trust

I'm pretty sure that the hardest thing in any relationship is to trust. I think this is true with our relationships with God too. Here's where I was three months ago:

I had a plan. I knew exactly what I wanted and where I was going. I had the job (ok, that's debateable), the boyfriend, the friends, the family, and in my mind, the world. Trusting God was easy. He was orchestrating my life exactly to plan.

Fast forward to today:

My plan? Nonexistent. I have a job (the same one), but I'm not so certain anymore that it's the job. The boyfriend plan is kind of on hold until, well, someone else comes along. I still have great friends, but most live too far to hang out or whine to. My family's still very much here for me, although to be honest, their faith in me is a little overbearing these days. And an added bonus--I don't really have a reason to go to school other than I need to. How am I supposed to trust a God who's completely turned from my plan without my consent. He didn't ask if this was okay with me.

It's hard, but I'm learning to trust Him again even though I don't really see this plan going anywhere. To be honest, this plan feels a whole lot more like chaos than a structured plan. I didn't consent to this plan, but I know it's the one for me. I'm going to get to wherever God wants me to, and that is so much better than anywhere I can get myself. It was a lot easier to trust when things were going my way, but I'm learning that they still are; I just can't see it yet.

On: Screaming and Teething

Last week I started a babysitting job. I now watch three kids (a 4 year old, 2 year old, and baby) every Tuesday from 6:30am to 8:45am. Did you catch the "am" there? I'm not a morning person, but I love kids, and the love for the latter beat out the hatred for the former. But did you know that kids don't act sleepy when they wake up...even at 6:30 in the morning? On the contrary, they're fully ready to take on the day as soon as their little eyes open. And to celebrate, they shoot off pop guns and run around screaming. In fact, when I got there, the 2 year old was already doing somersaults in her ecstasy. Here's how the morning went:

Me: Please don't scream; you're brother's still sleeping.
2 year old: WHAT'S THIS?
Me: A steering wheel.
2 year old: I HAVE TO GET DRESSED NOW. CAN I PICK OUT MY OWN SHIRT?
Me: Okay, but we have to be quiet because your brother's still sleeping.
2 year old: I WANT TO WEAR THE BUTTERFLY SHIRT, BUT I CAN'T WEACH IT.
4 year old: SURPRISE!!
Me: Good morning.
2 year old: LET'S PLAY WITH MY TRAIN TRACK (as she points to a race track and holds up a little plastic car).
Me: Let's get dressed first, remember?

15 minutes later everyone's dressed (for the most part), diapers are changed, and the pop gun celebration begins...as does the crying.

Me: Okay, guys no guns until after breakfast.
4 year old: What if I shoot it like this?
Me: As long as it doesn't make any noise.
4 year old: HAHA. I GET TO SHOOT MINE LIKE THIS!
2 year old: Can I shoot mine like this?
Me: Nope. As long as it doesn't make any noise until after breakfast.
4 year old: I WANT FROSTED FLAKES!
Me: Ok, sounds good. What do you want?
2 year old: ME TOO! Can I maked it myself?
Me: Sure. Let's go into the kitchen.

Frosted Flakes for them and a giant bowl of yogurt for the baby.

4 year old: Can I have a poptart?
Me: If you finish your cereal and you're still hungry.
4 year old: I'M DONE WIF MY CEREAL!
2 year old: I want one too.
Me: Okay, let me finish feeding him and I'll make you some poptarts.
4 year old: Do you know where the cooker thing is that we put them in to cook them is?
Me: Yup.
4 year old: How do you know?
Me: Mom showed me.

Scene: I'm feeding the baby a massive amount of yogurt. Little children are climbing on counters in order to "help me." Someone's throwing her poptarts on the floor so we'll watch her.

Me: Okay, set your poptarts on the counter until I'm done feeding him. Please stay off of the counter. Why don't you go play in the living room until I'm done.
2 year old: I want orange juice.
4 year old: Me too!
2 year old: I don't want that orange juice.
Me: This is what you have.
2 year old: silent surrender

Alright, baby's fed, poptarts are passed out. It's after 8am and they're finally allowed to watch tv. Craziness subsides. I give the baby his bottle who doesn't really want it. Oh, he's teething and, therefore, drooling, and his favorite things to do are roll all over me and cry when I get up. The kids are being angels in front of the tv though.
8:45...I get to go to work...where there's coffee...*sigh*

I'm sure I'll get used to it as the weeks progress...right?

On: best friends and getting out of slumps...

Work, school, and, well, breaking up has put me into a slump as of late. The same old thing every week and wishing things could have happened differently are getting old and tiring. I've had this overwhelming desire to do something new...like write a book...or move to Asia. At the same time, I don't want to do anything. But things that I have to do and commitments that I've made help get me out and move forward. I went shopping with my mom yesterday and that was a nice little distraction. Tonight was CLC and little kids are probably the best distractions there are--especially ones that tell you they're going to use sticks to kill animals so we can eat them, but assures everyone that he's not going to kill humans (phew...what a relief). Best friends are the best; even ones that live in South Carolina, Marquette, and Spring Arbor--ugh long distances.

Morgan: Morgan tried to convince me that everything was her fault...sorry, but it's not. (If things do get better though Morg, let me know so I can plan accordingly.) Not to mention I actually got to talk to her for more than two minutes on Saturday, so that was like the best :)

Kelsey: Kelsey got me through the awful ordeal with the dumb political poll guy who actually believed I could hear him over my barking dogs. She turned a very stressful situation into a laughing matter. Oh, and her stories are always the greatest.

Bekah: Where do I begin with Bekah? Bekah has this way of being uplifting and cynical at the same time, and I love it. Even though she reminds me I have no life outside of school and work, she somehow makes me feel better about that in the way she says it. Plus, she'd even go to second service just for me :)

Thanks for helping me out of my many slumps that I get myself into ladies :) You're the best!