"I need this old train to breakdown..."

Let's start with Tuesday:

Having a test in econ., a paper due in English, and a chapter to read and two pages to write on its importance in history, all due on wednesday, I end up staying late at work. When I get home, I'm tired and cranky after school and work. So, as I get upset about not having any food in the house, Mom tries to pacify me with some dinner, and I grumpily thank her. Then I start my paper. I stay up until 2:00am. and get up at 6:30 am to finish it. The only thing I have accomplished by 9:00 when I have to leave for class is my poorly written paper and part of my chapter for history read.

Ok, Wednesday. Preface: I prayed for school to be cancelled all day on Tuesday...the weather wasn't as bad as predicted, therefore, the school was still open on Wednesday.
Ok, back to Wednesday. I arrived to school five minutes before class started. I took my econ test, which I had not studied for at all, and found that if I would've studied I probably would have aced it. I guess I'll see how I did without studying and 4 hours of sleep.
Class ended at 10:55, and I headed for my English class at 11:00...the only class I was prepared for. Surprise! My teacher was sick, so we had a substitute, and best yet...our papers weren't due until next Wednesday! Great, the only thing that I had gotten done...the thing that I spent my entire night and morning on. Thanks. I'm really glad that it's not due until next Wed. now! Really, I am. The only good thing out of this...we were able to work on anything during English, and I chose to work on history, which I hastily finished.
So, I went over to the other building for some lunch, and while trying to access the internet on my ipod (one of the main reasons I wanted an itouch) the screen repeatedly decided to tell me that my username or password was incorrect...after I had been able to get on last week.
Ok, so history. It's ok. I can't really understand the professor because he talks down into his legal pad and mumbles, but I can handle that. However, it looks like I don't understand the concept of the whole writing assignment that we have after every chapter and I only received a 5/10. Great, thanks, I'll work on that. Ok, it's not that I don't understand it, it's because I do it in 15 minutes.

After work, which there's a story here too that I won't go into, I went home and ate dinner and slept for six hours! I was, needless to say, exhausted! Physically and mentally. So, when I got online at 12:00am and talked to a friend who told me some news that's not really horrible but in my weakened state I found to be the end of the world, I kind of broke down.

Now, I know that it sounds like I'm just whining, and that's probably because I am. But if I don't, everything's just going to be stuck inside of me. I know that the reason I feel so overwhelmed right now is almost completely my own fault. But I can't take that away. I'm working on it. But I feel so scared right now for so many different reasons. I just want everything to stop, so that I can look at the big picture and say, Ok, I know everything's eventually going to be okay. I know it's useless to worry, but I really am scared. And I know that everything will work out in the end, but it's just hard when all I see is everything crumbling.

"When I feel bad I like to treat myself. Clothes never look any good, food just makes me fatter. Shoes always fit. "

I've been thinking about my sister a lot lately. I miss her. Thinking about her has made me realize how much I've changed. This is kind of vaguely connected, so just try to stay with me. I've been thinking about how she thinks she's crazy because she has anxiety issues...our whole family has anxiety issues, but she's convinced that she's the only one who's not normal. And she wonders how I deal with it. Well, the plain and simple truth is that I don't hold it in...I let my craziness out all the time. You have to, otherwise, you implode. But here's how I've changed...I never used to let everything out. I used to keep everything bottled up and completely to myself. Now I have a blog. But the change occured before I made a blog. It happened sometime this summer. I always have to tell someone everything. I can't hold anything in. I'm not talking about secrets or gossiping, but if something's bothering me, or I'm worried about something, I annoy somebody else with it. And I still feel crazy, but it's out there, and it's not turning and growing inside me.

Another way that my sister has shown me how much I've changed deals with shoes. I don't buy nearly as many pairs of shoes as I used to. We would always go shopping on weekends when we lived like five minutes apart...and I would buy a new pair of shoes about once a month. Now that we live about six hours apart, shoes have simply lost their excitement. I miss shoes. She always made buying shoes fun and necessary...she always made me think I simply needed them. Now, I'm pretty sure I just need her.

What Happened to the Days Between Saturday and Thursday?

I can't believe I haven't posted since Saturday! I have been so busy...in fact, I'm only giving myself approximately 12 minutes to complete this post. I'm re-doing my room, but it was a mess, so I'm trying to go through everything and get it completely organized before I mess it all up again, so I've been working on that. I have so much homework this semester. I guess I'm not really complaining...just fretting. I feel like I'll never be able to stay on top of it. I actually stayed after at work yesterday because I had so much to do. I cannot believe it's Thursday already!

And now, a time for me to whine...I am so tired all of the time. When I come home everyday, all I want to do is sleep. And because I'm so tired and so lifeless, I put off my homework until really late. Not getting enough sleep, therefore, to re-energize my self for the following morning. I'm so tired of being so tired. Okay, end of whining (for now).

Have I ever mentioned that I have the greatest friends? Because I do. I know what you're thinking, "No, Jennifer, I have the greatest friends." I'm sorry, but you're wrong unless you have the exact same friends as me. I know everyone always thinks that their friends are the greatest, but that award goes to me. I love them so much. I can't imagine life without a single one of them. They're crazy and sincere and funny and thoughtful and understanding and ridiculous and always there and so much more. I think my favorite thing about my friends is that they're predictably unpredictable. I know them through and through, and yet, without failure, they always surprise me in some way. In a concise phrase, they're perfect.

Okay, my time limit's up. I have a bunch more to say, so I'm using this post as a reminder to share later.

"One, Two, Three, Crack."

I woke up around 12:00 pm today! Twelve 'o clock! To say the least, it was amazing. And to celebrate, I made breakfast for myself. Nothing special, just eggs, toast, and juice. It was very good, but that's not why I mention it. There's this part in the original Sabrina--the one with Audrey Hepburn--where she's in the French cooking school, and the instructor teaches them how to crack an egg with one hand. "One, two, three, crack," he says, and all the students follow suit. When he comes to Audrey Hepburn, she opens her hand and there's a mess of an egg in her hand. But Audrey gets it perfectly by the end of the movie. While making dinner for Linus she confidently pulls out an egg and says, "One, two, three, crack. See," she says, "it's all in the wrist." So what does that have to do with my breakfast? Everything. I have been trying to perfectly crack an egg with one hand since the first time I saw Sabrina; and today, for the first time, I did it! I know it's the most ridiculous thing in the world, but I felt like a scientist discovering the cure for cancer. Ahh, now I can die happy...ok, well sort of.

On a completely different note, it is shockingly cold outside. On my way home tonight, the sign at the bank read 7 degrees! It's nights like these that I wish we had a fireplace. (Note to future self...Be sure to buy a house with a fireplace. Even if it can't fit more than a bed in the entire house, it will have a fireplace.) What makes the weather worse is my shoe situation. My parents have this thing about leaving our shoes in the garage. This isn't a big deal when it's warmmer out or when my socks are higher than the insides of my shoes. But on a day like today, when it's below freezing and I wear boots that almost come up to my knees and socks that come a little past my ankles, it's unbearable.

So I have been incredibly dizzy all day today. I get dizzy a lot--I know it's strange, but it's true--but not usually this dizzy. I've never been very tipsy before, but I have a feeling this is what it would almost feel like...only I would probably like the feeling. Right now, I don't. My computer screen is currently swaying and making my head hurt. It takes me a while to get up and down the stairs. Walking straight is a whole different matter in and of itself. Maybe I'll just give into it and start looking like a drunk. That'll go over well in church tomorrow. Hmm...I guess we'll see how it goes...

Officially Sick

I think I've come to the conclusion that I am probably the only one who reads my own blog. Oh well, that's okay I guess. At least I'm able to get some thoughts down.

I've been fighting the beginning of a cold for a while now, but I think it's finally here. I am officially sick. It's kind of early for me this year. Usually I don't get sick until the end of March or the beginning of April. I haven't lost my voice yet though, which is the worst part because it makes answering phones very difficult and a little humorous, so I guess it's not so bad. Hope it goes away soon though =)

So I was thinking...JCC isn't really as bad as I make it out to be. I think the only reason I really don't like it is because I don't live on campus, so I'm not making any close friends. The teachers are pretty good though (I actually really like some of my teachers this semester), and the classes aren't your normal community college classes; some of them are actually a little challenging, which is a good thing. Basically, this is all to say that I need to quit complaining. I'm going to get to Spring Arbor eventually. I just have to get through two years, and I suppose JCC isn't a horrible place to spend them.

One more thing. "Therefore have I uttered that I understood not, things too wonderful for me, which I knew not." That's what Job said in Job 42:3 after God showed him how foolish he was being. I hear you Job.

Without a Glimpse of Darkened Skies...

It's winter again, and the sky is grey again. At the church that I used to go to before we moved, the bulletins always had a verse or a quote on them. One of them was, "Without a glimpse of darkened skies, our hearts would never realize the beauty of the day." It's such a true statement. I love winter, but the warmer weather made me excited for summer.

Well, a lot of things have changed since my last post. I no longer have a perfect devotions record for 2008. I very nearly lost a really good friend--partly my own fault. I let the way I was feeling interfere with school, and I got very little done. I'm also getting sick partly due to stress I think, but mostly due to a lack of sleep. Needless to say, I hit a low point this past weekend. A very low point. But, everything's starting to look up now. Nothing's perfect, but I'm working on everything--a combined effort on some things.

I hate that I haven't done my devotions in the last three days, but I can't dwell on that. I just have to get back into them. And I will, starting tonight. My friendship isn't perfect, but we're okay, and I think this falling out will actually make us better friends than we were. I'm catching up on most of my homework. I still have a paper due on Wednesday that I haven't even started yet and a lot of reading, but I have gotten some things done, and now I just have to stay focused and disciplined. I'm still sick, but I think I if catch up on some sleep I'll start feeling better soon.

The good thing about low points--God always has a lesson planned somewhere in there. I'm listening and just realizing the beauty of the day.

"I should be sleeping instead of keeping these late hours I've been keeping..."

I'm in a good place right now. Not everything is perfect, but I wouldn't want it to be. I'm actually driven this semester, and I hope I can keep that drive throughout the whole semester. I'm also learning more at work, which makes me feel like I'm contributing more, even if maybe I'm not. I still have my great friends, and I'm not in a relationship at the moment, but I'm actually okay with that. I'm keeping my resolutions so far, and I've done my devotions every night. I've been able to drive home with the windows down and the radio blaring for the last two days, and to top it all off, my hair smells really good right now--thanks Herbal Essences. I still have my fears, reservations, and skepticisms, but really, what would life be without them? A whole lot less exciting, that's what.

Alright, this is short, but it's late and I have class in the morning and work in the afternoon, so I should really get some sleep.

Bonne Nuit :)

"It's Like Trying to Catch the Rain."

There's a Rascal Flatts song called "Winner at a Losing Game." It's completely depressing, and possibly true, but that's not why I mention it. There's a line that says, "Have you ever had to love someone that just don’t feel the same? Trying to make somebody care for you the way I do is like trying to catch the rain." I'm still puzzled on what that means. Does it mean that when you try to catch the water from the rain it goes through the cracks in your fingers? I'm not sure I really understand the analogy. If I had to make my own assumption, I would say that it's like when the water falls in your hands, you have this false hope that it's going to stay there, but then it disappears. I don't know...it's just a thought.

On a different note, I went back to school today...four more months and I can get lost in the summer once again. I actually had a moment earlier today that I missed the summer so much that it physically hurt. I wish I could just go to the perfect moment in the summer and stop time. But I can't, so I just have to get over it and keep going. I feel so tangled right now, I really can't explain it, so I won't even try to go into it. The problem is that I'm an over-thinker; I think about something and disect all the pieces so much so that even less makes sense to me at the end than did in the beginning.

I have more to add here from my devotions last night, but I don't have it in front of me, so I'll save that for another post. For now, I have a lot of reading to do.

Giving In

I try to make it a habit not to make New Year's Resolutions. To me, they just seem to be somewhat disappointing. I never even remember what they were by the end of the year, and some of them don't even matter anyway. But this year I'm looking at things differently. I'm really not sure why. Perhaps on one extreme it's peer pressure--on the other, (and a more likely reason) I'm stubborn and I believe that I can this year. No matter the reason, I am going to make my resolutions now and I am definitely going to follow through with them this year. So, here they are:

• Do my devotions on a regular basis.
• Stop procrastinating in school and even get ahead at times.
• Stay informed on political and current events.
• Drink less soda.
• Stop pointing out the flaws of others.
• Learn to play the guitar (at least the basics).
• Save more money.
• Be there for my friends more.
• Put more effort into my writing.
• Extend my vocabulary.

"It's a New Day..." It's a New Year :)

It's funny (not in a "ha ha" kind of way, but in a "fancy that" sort of way) how differently respectively similar people can view one year. I was sitting in my living room with a group of my closest friends watching t.v. a couple minutes before the start of 2008, and everyone had a different feeling toward 2007. For some, it was the worst year, for others, the best, and still for others, it was simply another year. For me, it fell into that second category. Ok, so that's great, but here's why--I grew up. I can hear the laughter now, so no, I don't mean that I am all of a sudden this new and improved fun-sucking old lady who sits around and talks about how bad I had it back in my day. I simply mean that I listened when God spoke; not all the time, mind you, but more so than I had in previous years. Today, I almost feel as if I'm not even that same girl that I was at the beginning of 2007; I feel as if I remember her from some story that I had read and was briefly attached to. It's amazing to me the catalysts that God used in my transformation. The biggest one was collectively camp. If I had to peg it to one person, I suppose that person would be Kelsey. She has helped me so many times and in so many ways. She has been there for me every step of the way.

All of this is not to say that I didn't have any conflicts in 2007. I did, but I also found ways to work through them--another aspect of my growth. A big turning point for me came after a sermon at JFM. I'm not even 100% sure I remember what the sermon was on, but the pastor mentioned that Paul's purpose before his conversion was persecuting Christians. I decided then that whatever I do, I want to have an underlying purpose of glorifying my God, and I can in whatever I do :) There was also a quote that helped me out: "Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them." I had never thought of happiness that way before, and therefore had had a hard time learning to be happy.

Anyway, I know this is long, but I wanted to do one more thing that I stole from Sara. She gave a list of what she was thankful for in 2007, and here's mine:

1. Finding true happiness even amidst all the problems.
2. My incredible friends and family that will always be there. And with that, Christian friends and family that share the same quest as me.
3. The bittersweet end of old relationships and the adventure of new ones.
4. A job that I love and even look forward to doing. Also my boss and coworkers who mean so much more to me than just my job.
5. Being able to go to college and knowing why I'm there.
6. I never thought I'd say this, but being able to live at my parent's house.
7. My mom, my dad, and my sister; I've had friends that have come and gone, but they have always been there supporting me, and they always will be.

Happy New Year :)