Nostalgia

I miss tests that only covered one chapter of material. Remember those? I know, I know, pretty pathetic that the thing I miss about high school is tests; but I was homeschooled my junior and senior year, so...yeah, I am pretty pathetic. But I miss those tests that had like 25-50 questions on like three pages (if that) of fill-in-the-blank notes. Now it's all about reading five chapters and studying 20 pages of all handwritten notes and guessing which 40-100 questions you're going to get tested on. So that's what I'm doing all night...studying 20 pages of notes and trying to decipher whatever alien language it is that I decided to write down.

Ugh...When did I get so old...I mean responsible? When did I decide that school was more important than 24? When did I decide that admitting that school is more important than 24 was acceptable?

Timing

I was just thinking about how perfectly God orchestrates timing. This past summer was overwhelming for me, and though I wouldn't have admitted it then, the timing was just right. I had just started a new job that I kind of figured out as I went. I was dealing with a very close family situation that I had to keep as a secret for most of the summer (even from my parents). I had just started a new relationship. And I was trying to spend as much time as I could with my best friend who left for Northern in August and who was busy herself most of the summer. I didn't have an awful summer, but I wouldn't describe it as great either. It just was. And without even realizing it, I was kind of bitter toward God for allowing my summer to fall short of my high expectations I had for it.

While I was overwhelmed, I am so glad that those things happened during the summer and not while I was in school. I'm pretty sure I probably would've broken down if they had. And I made it through just fine. In fact, I learned some great lessons last summer that I'm just now realizing. Like holding on to faith even while everyone else is giving up. And trekking along even when I feel like quiting. And sometimes all that's needed to make two girls feel like they're at home in a leaky old trailer that's falling apart and has a very questionable smell is a pet made out of a piece of foil in a water bottle known affectionately as "Feesh."

Train-lag?

It's 12:42 AM. In Madison, Wisconsin it's 11:42 PM. I just got home a little over an hour ago from visiting my sister, and I'm not sure if I'm still awake because I'm not tired or because I'd still be awake if I were in Madison. I took the train, which is an all day affair, but I really don't mind it. I like being surrounded by people I don't know without being obligated to talk to any of them. I always wonder what everyone's story is and where everyone's going (Are they getting away or coming home?).

Anyway, I got there this past Friday around 5PM Central time. I had to wait for my sister at the train station for about twenty minutes, so I got to meet Steve. Steve is approximately 35-45 years old. Steve is also special and very sweet. He was traveling to Madison to see his friend because it was her birthday. After making sure I had a phone so I could call a ride, he proceeded to ask me if the rose he had in his plastic water bottle was still pretty even though it was a little wilted from it's long trip. It was his friend's birthday present. I told him it was still very pretty (because it was) and that I was sure his friend would think so too. Then Steve told me that it was very nice to meet me and to enjoy my trip. I liked Steve.

Anyway, my trip was bliss. It was a perfect sisterly reunion. We went shopping (the mall, several bookstores...multiple times, Old Navy...), watched movies, went out for lunches and in for dinners, ate cheesecake, got coffee, had arts and crafts time (Stacie's really into stamping...I made some cute bookmarks), went to the ZOO (it's free in Madison and one of my favorite things about visiting my sister) :), went to the movies (we saw Watchmen, which was a horrible movie and I really do not recommend it...like really...it was awful), slept in, and chilled out. Did I mention it was bliss.

I did not want to leave. In fact, from the time I woke up and jump on Stacie's bed this morning to three seconds before I got on the train, I was letting her know how much I did not want to go home. I miss her and my brother-in-law so much. I really wish we weren't so far apart. But the bright side is...I never take a moment for granted when I see them now.

So anyway, I had an amazing trip (with no snags at any of the train stations for those of you who know about my awful ordeal the last time I went), but it's back to reality tomorrow with work in the morning and putting off homework over the rest of spring break. So I should probably get some sleep.

One Year Ago Tonight...

...I was lying in the (back then) computer room floor...working on homework...adding lyrics to all my itunes songs...talking about how the snow looked glittery...and counting down the minutes 'til I turned nineteen.

Tonight I'm sitting at my desk...not working on homework...waiting for my parents to get home...listening to the wind and rain...and wishing the minutes wouldn't go by so very quickly.

This hope will never disappoint

I haven't posted anything in a while. I've started several drafts, but nothing ever seemed right. The truth is, I didn't want to sound self absorbed, and I didn't want to sound whiny, but I was tired of feeling hurt by people who didn't even realize they were hurting me. I wonder if I've ever hurt someone so bad and not even realized it. If I ever have, how I wish I could apologize and try to make up for it.

I felt so disregarded, insignificant, distrusted, unfit, tossed aside, and so very small. And the worst part was that I felt that it was all my fault. And then I hated myself for letting another person have that much power over me.

Didn't God tell me that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made"? If God made me, if he saved me, then why was I letting another person make me feel worthless. If I'm not worthless to a God whom I've let down on so many occasions and who would have every right to disown me, how in the world did I let myself become worthless to someone who's made just as many mistakes as I have? I know I'm not perfect. I know that I'm far from it, but I'm still human, and I still needed to feel that I wasn't completely hopeless.

I knew that I couldn't make anyone feel a certain way, and I couldn't change them. I knew that I should just be able to give it all to God and let it go. But I couldn't for some reason, and then tonight, I recalled one of my favorite passages. It's Romans 5:1-11:

"Since we have been made right with God by our faith, we have
peace with God. This happened through our Lord Jesus Christ, who through our
faith has brought us into that blessing of God's grace that we now enjoy. And we
are happy because of the hope we have of sharing God's glory. We also have joy
with our troubles, because we know that these troubles produce patience. And
patience produces character, and character produces hope. And this hope will
never disappoint us, because God has poured out his love to fill our hearts. He
gave us his love through the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to
us.

When we were unable to help ourselves, at the right time,
Christ died for us, although we were living against God. Very few people will
die to save the life of someone else. Although perhaps for a good person someone
might possibly die. But God shows his great love for us in this way: Christ died
for us while we were still sinners.

So through Christ we will surely be saved from God's anger,
because we have been made right with God by the blood of Christ's death. While
we were God's enemies, he made us his friends through the death of his Son.
Surely, now that we are his friends, he will save us through his Son's life. And
not only that, but now we are also very happy in God through our Lord Jesus
Christ. Through him we are now God's friends again."

After thinking about that, I don't know how I could ever have thought of myself as insignificant or hopeless. Or how anyone could for that matter. Jesus died for me so that I could have hope. God loved me enough and regarded me enough that he wanted to save me. And even though someone can make me so angry and cause me so much hurt, God loved them enough to save them and give them the same hope he gives me. So instead of trying to blame someone, I'm able to wait patiently for the hurt to disappear, and I'm able to forgive someone even if they don't know they've hurt me because I have peace with God.

Sick day

You know when you were little and you were sick...and it was okay to just take the day off and pretend that it didn't even exist because you were sick...and you were allowed to stay in your pajamas all day...and watch movies...and take a pillow and blanket on the couch and snuggle with mom...and eat ice cream because your throat hurt...

...I wish I could still do that.

Lessons learned in twenty-o-eight

So I wanted to do this at the beginning of the year or even at the end of last year, but it's February and I'm doing it now. I don't make New Years resolutions because I know I won't keep them. I guess I don't understand the whole I haven't exercised in the last 673 days, but on January 1st I am going to everyday for a year mentality. Maybe it's just me, but I have more of an I'm going to work at exercising more this year and see where that takes me mentality. But while I know not to make promises I'm not going to keep at the beginning of the new year, I also enter each year knowing that I'm going to learn so much.


Here are just a few of the lessons I learned in 2008:

• Life can be lousy and fantastic all in the same moment.
• Sometimes you just have to leap even if you have no idea what you're doing.
• People in Wisconsin say "I know, right?" far too often.
• I came from a piece of granite (because both granite and myself have calcium in us). Thank you JCC.
• Have faith even when nobody else believes.
• Some people are even better at putting up walls than I am.
• Staying busy helps me save money.
• I can get books for school a whole lot cheaper online.
• Even when you don't know how you're going to keep moving, you'll somehow find the strength.
• I can't always forget, but the remembering gets easier with time.
• Some kids have way too much energy at 6:30 in the morning.
• I don't want to be a teacher right now.
• You really can't please everyone (even if you try really hard).
• Sometimes, even if it's really not your fault, you're still going to get blamed (and there's nothing you can do but grin and bear it).
• Vampires don't go in the sunlight because they're sparkly.
• My mom can knit.
• Long train rides by yourself are incredibly boring.
• Never take an exit unless you know where it leads and where you're going.
• Some things are worth it, even if the ending sucks.
• Smart people go to bed before 2:00am.
• I will probably never grow out of my "clumsy phase" or my "awkward stage."
• Believe it or not, some people really do know how you feel.

Again, that's not all of them...just some of the highlights. I can't wait to see what I learn this year!